Exodus 9:23

When Moses stretched out his staff toward the sky, the LORD sent thunder and hail, and lightning flashed down to the ground. So the LORD rained hail on the land of Egypt;
-Exodus 9:23

It’s 1 o’clock in the morning. I’ve been drinking vodka and Jagermeister. It’s the end of a long week. The last thing I want to hear is the frantic gospel madness of the Black Beast. Yeah, the same Black Beast who started trying to exorcize my girlfriend and I when we were fooling around in bed. The same Black Beast who complained about the Beatles as being ‘devil music’. In certain modern situations there is a limited vocabulary of communication – a terse language of opportunity. When driving you’ve got a horn and a middle finger. When in your apartment you’ve got loud music and your boot stomp (or maybe a broom handle if you live beneath someone). So in this case my girlfriend chose to use the boot stomp mode of expression to communicate to the Black Beast.

Girlfriend Boot Stomp, “Hey you psycho Christian crazy bitch, it’s one in the fucking morning and you’re screaming gospel crazy talk so loud its coming up through the floor and pissing me off. Shut the fuck up… please.”

The Black Beast immediately goes totally ape-shit. There was no confusion of an accidental “boot drop” (the neighborly equivalent of the cuban missile crisis), this was a no-shit shut-the-fuck-up-bitch boot stomp.

Black Beast (screaming through the floor), “Lordy lordy LORD! You did not just stomp on my prayers! *unintelligible gospel madness*”

My Boot Stomp, “Hey crazy bitch, we’re not kidding… SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

Black Beast (frothing at the mouth through the floor), “NO NO NO!!!!! You will not stomp on my prayers! You will not even do that! You will not stomp one more TIME!!!!”

My Boot Stomp (laughing), “*STOMP* *STOMP* *STOMP* *STOMP* *STOMP* *STOMP* *STOMP*”

[for the record it was both boots at the same time for seven distinct stomps "Ogre Style"]

The sounds of a Black Beast totally wigging out through the floor.

A door slamming.

Another door slamming.

Girlfriend, “Dude, that crazy bitch is coming up here.”

Me, “I hope she does, I’ll fucking crush that bitch in seconds.”

A final door slamming.

Silence… We had won.

Public announcement to all crazy Christian gospel screeching asshole whores who live under my girlfriend’s apartment – your life is going to be a living hell from this point forward. That is all.

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