The Black Beast

Now I’ve explained in detail on this site all the hardships I’ve had to endure with the feud between myself and my downstairs neighbor Shirley. The exploits of our feud have reached almost epic proportions. Last night I have come to realize that another feud has started right where I least expected it. My girlfriend lives in the Kensington area. She is on the second floor of her apartment complex. It’s a pretty nice place, but the problem is that under her floor lurks what I am going to call “the black beast”.

Our troubles with the black beast started about two months ago when she had the landlord come over for us playing music too loud. Now my girlfriend and I are no strangers to loud music but we had Pandora (the most badass thing on the internet since porn) playing The Smiths music station on super low. It begs the question, what the fuck?

Me, “What the fuck?”

Landlord, “Well it doesn’t sound loud at all to me. I was even listening outside the door and I couldn’t even hear it.”

Me, “What’s the deal with this lady?”

Landlord, “She’s a little crazy, she almost died the other day. She is constantly in and out of the hospital and all I can figure is that she is laid up in bed all day and the music bothers her.”

Me, “Roger that, got it.”

I thought the issue was closed but I was way off. Apparently she had complained about a dozen other times about my g/f’s music. On top of all that shit she has started bizarre attempts at retaliation. She has played her own music, started singing in her apartment, even started praying super loud in her place to try and disrupt the music coming through her ceiling. And just to clarify, by “praying” I mean scream “JESUS HALLELUJAH!” at the top of her beastly lungs. My g/f has even been disrupted by the super loud hip-hop shit coming out of the black beast’s apartment but has not complained because she knows that living in an apartment complex has its drawbacks and wants to be polite and understanding.

I just don’t understand how people get so fucking crazy about this whole noise thing. Shirley started bitching about the noise in my place when I first moved it years ago but I just kept turning the volume up. I mean, I own that condo, fuck her. She can either learn to deal with the noise I make or move so that she’s not under somebody. I guess these old abandoned hags have nowhere else to go but to move into the bottom floor of condos and apartments and then try and take revenge on everyone who still has the physical ability to walk up stairs and make noise descend into their lonely cheese-smelling misery tombs.

The black beast is the same story. She is a fat, old, abandoned, Jesus loving, black woman. She works washing dishes at a school cafeteria and all the rest of her time is spent with her church. She came up the night we were getting ready to go to my office Christmas party and started in with the “music too loud” horse shit. We were listening to british invasion channel on Pandora that night, again on super low volume. We heard the black beast start to play her stereo loud to compete against our noise, but I just laughed. See, my g/f has been trying super hard to not piss anyone off. She heard all about my feud with Shirley and doesn’t want to get embroiled in a mix-up of her own. I told her this, my g/f’s noisemaking in her apartment was passive aggression. All she has to do to take revenge in just live and be happy. The black beast has to pray, or sing, or play her music loud in order for us to be affected – active aggression. In this situation, where even our footsteps are passive weapons against the black beast, we will win out eventually. The black beast will tire of these battles and eventually capitulate.

My g/f was in the shower and I answered to door to an angry black beast.

The Black Beast, “I don’t know what kind of music you’re playing up here but its way too loud and you are really upsetting me.”

Me, “THIS music is too loud?” I point to the computer where barely a whisper could be heard. “THIS music!?”

The Black Beast, “Well I don’t know WHAT KIND of music you’re playing, but it has A LOT of bass and its disrupting me praying in my apartment.”

Me, “Are you crazy!? I can barely hear it and I’m in the fucking room!? Look, ok, I’ll turn it down – happy?”

The Black Beast, “Yes, thank you.”

So in analysis of the conversation several interesting points come up.

1 – She is pissed off about the TYPE of music we listen to as well as the degree of loudness. Apparently church music can be played at any volume because its for Jesus and shit but everything else is not allowed.

2 – White people have traditionally been known to play music with a lot of bass, and this is continuing to piss her off…. !?!!?!? HUH!? It was British invasion – there is zero bass in that shit!?

3 – Anything that disrupts her praying is gonna piss her right the fuck off.

4 – She is intolerant even to the most docile music imaginable, just wait until I start playing Slayer and Minor Threat.

Well the black beast has now stepped things up to the next level. She has gone totally Christian crazy on our ass. Last night my g/f and I had a really nice dinner together, drank a bottle and a half of wine, and got down to business. Now without embarrassing my g/f and making a mockery of myself I will simply say that we were having fun but not crazy-fun. This means that we were engaging in ‘adult entertainment’ on a moderate level without going totally over the edge.

Apparently my g/f heard the ruckus before I did – I tend to be a little target fixated during times like these. Regardless, out of the floor was pouring the strangest, scariest, most disturbing thing I’ve heard in years.

The black beast was speaking in tongues!

She was praying at the top of her lungs, screaming gospel craziness, and speaking in motherfucking tongues!?!

I was thoroughly pissed off, but moreover weirded out. I talked to my buddy at work who is the president of his condo complex HOA and he explained that to the letter of the law we are both in the wrong. Her and us. That the San Diego Penal Code describes any activity that is so loud and boisterous as to disrupt another person is considered a noise violation. Despite the fact that we have been mega-polite and understanding it seems that we are both equal under the law. Well all I can say is this.

I will not stand by and tolerate a crazy, old, fat, abandoned, black woman to speak in tongues and scream ‘hallelujah’ at her ceiling while I bone my g/f in the room above. In the past I have used methods both legal and illicit, standard and unconventional to overcome the evil clutches of a nefarious neighbor, and I will not hesitate to use them again. Black beast, be warned, you have transgressed into my life, the penalty for which is beyond your comprehension. Game on bitch!

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