Hipsters of the World, Unite!

Linkery žil, Linkery žije, Linkery bude žít..?

If you’re looking for a great place to eat with friendly service and a good menu then stay the fuck away from The Linkery in North Park. I promise to you the place is run by fucking commies! First and foremost, you will be paying top dollar for a plate filled with fucking hotdogs!? I mean for two people to eat without even buying drinks you will drop around thirty bucks for four sausages total. What the fuck!? I know the economy is in a recession, somehow California has squandered all of our vast wealth on illegal Mexicans and frivolous gay marriage court cases, I know that just in October alone half a million people lost their jobs here, but have things gotten so bad that we have to resort to communist national practices in order to make ourselves feel better. I say fuck no.

A quick trip to their web site reveals some interesting information about the elitist hippie socialist fags that run the place;

The Linkery is a neighborhood restaurant in North Park, San Diego, California. We get to know the people who grow and make the best food and drink in the world, and share it with our community. We feature:

• Farm-specific all-natural meats, highlighting sustainable farming of heritage breeds
• Fresh produce, often organic, emphasizing independent farms in our region
• Our own house made fresh sausages and house cured meats like bacon, hams, and other charcuterie
• World-class craft beers, including 4 to 6 cask-conditioneds ale always on handle
• Fine wines from craft producers all over the world, including the city of San Diego

Now you would think that it sounds like the modern day answer to all the problems posed by our cornucopial supply of white guilt. What the fuck is it with modern culture where everyone feels this preternatural need to always be helping in these weird abstract ways. Turn off the car, you’re wasting energy, and probably a bigot for driving a vehicle not powered by somebody’s garbage. Only eat foods blessed by a homeopathic priest. Only wear clothes that look like you got them from a rescue mission. Only vote for the president who represents the most minorities at once. What a scam. What a sad joke. The only problem The Linkery solves is how stupid people must be getting to throw their tithes at a false prophet. I want to throw a fucking brick through their window with a note attached. “Fuck you. Fuck your shitty food. Fuck your tyrannical ideology. Fuck your communist god.”

So here, for all to relish, is the slavenation.com restaurant review of The Linkery:

Décor: The restaurant has a very cool initial appearance. Wicked wall murals outside and the open-air windows provide a visually stimulating perception from outside the restaurant. Once you get inside though the place becomes brutally confusing. The interior décor maintains the trendy theme established outside the place, but it diverges into two opposing directions simultaneously. The furniture is all wooden, rustic, unfinished, and desperately uncomfortable. I can understand the drive to establish a trendy yet rustic motif, I mean the menu consists exclusively of sausage links, but in going so far down that road they have diverged from the restaurant experience and ventured into all the negative aspects of an urban camping trip. Well there’s another term for urban camping, it’s called being a bum. Additionally there are numerous flat-screen TV’s all tuned to sporting events. I have to admit that a flat-screen is pretty cool, especially when the programming amplifies the atmosphere, but sports!? This only further confuses the patron as to what the intent of the place is supposed to be. Rustic sausage bistro or rowdy hotdog sports bar.

Service: Completely “fuck you” lackluster. The wait staff was arrogant and untimely. Never to be found or consulted in any way, not to be bothered. Perhaps this can be explained because of “their policy”. At the end of the meal when the check finally arrived the waitress explained the restaurant policy of charging an extra 20% for tip on every check. Now, I’m not a stingy bastard. I like to tip and when the service is good I like to tip very well, but without consultation charging me the maximum tip rate without my consent regardless of the number of people in my party or the amount spent on dinner – well that’s just fucking wrong. My tip policy is about the norm, 15% for regular service, 20-25% for good service, and I expect tip to be added for parties of 6 or more. So they basically tried to railroad a tip right down my throat for shit service, shit food, shit atmosphere, and shit attitude. Maybe I should just consider myself fortunate to have had the privilege of eating at their restaurant…? Fuck that.

Food: Maybe this is all my misconception, but when I know I’m going to a sausage restaurant I expect that I am going to basically pig-out on a bunch of sausages. The portions were so small as to be downright frustrating. Granted, I know I am a large man-beast who can lay low three double-doubles from In-n-Out without breaking a sweat and that 95% of the food I eat is in ‘burrito-form’, but this place just pissed me right the fuck off with their mini-portion bullshit.

I’ve gone to expensive restaurants before where the portions were small, but the flavors of the food were explosive, vibrant, multifaceted, and a unique and fulfilling culinary experience. When it comes to the flavor of the food at The Linkery I’ll just say that I’ve had better. Now this is not world shattering, but when you’re paying fucking top dollar for a couple sausages you don’t want to leave the place knowing that the two dollar sausage you got from a street vendor in New York City was ten times better.

I also thought to myself that a place whose focus is sausages would offer a wide and exciting assortment of side dishes. To my further dismay this was not the case. The sides were small, boring, and in all about the gastronomic equivalent of getting free coleslaw from KFC with your 10 piece bucket (without the bucket).

Price: The food is completely overpriced. The place takes itself too fucking seriously and expresses their elitism in the form of extravagant and unjustified prices for flavorless hotdogs.

Here’s my recommendation for anyone who wants to make the mistake of eating at The Linkery; go to your closest supermarket, find the fanciest, most organic, most sustainable farm labeled, most tree-hugging sausages they sell there and grab two packs. This will probably run you about ten bucks. After that you can swing past the deli section a scoop up a tub of potato salad, snag a whole bottle of your favorite wine, and go home and eat it all up (yum yum yum). You will end up with twice the food, three times the quality, and all at half the price. You can even sit your hemp-wrapped ass on your free-trade couch, put your TV to whatever independent film / “fuck-you”-mentary you want, light a homeopathically blessed candle made from 100% free range bees-wax, spark up a joint and enjoy. The Linkery is an elitist communist scam of a restaurant that needs to just fuck off.

This whole episode just leaves me wondering what the fuck is going on in my fair section of North Park. What could have changed so dramatically that hookers and drag-queens are now replaced by hipsters and trendy environmentalist fags with plaid sweater-vests. These are questions for another day, but as for today;

Down with communism!

Down with The Linkery!

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