War is Hell

While the US troubles in Iraq seem to be abating there are other battlefronts that have been in turn heating up.  The past few weeks have seen a marked escalation in the struggles between me and my downstairs nemesis (neighbor) the evil and insidious Shirley.

The first struggle that got hot was in regards to the door leading to the stairs.  The door is right in front of Shirley’s apartment and she had complained to me for months about slamming the door (especially late at night) because it, according to her, “shakes and rattles her entire apartment”.  I’m a large ape-like creature.  I slam things.  It’s not really my fault, I just have caveman strength when it comes to shit.  Well since I hate the bitch’s guts I not only had been slamming it, but making an extra effort to use that door on every occasion just to further infuriate the old bag.  Her response was to install a pneumatic door closer.  The closer works perfectly except when you throw the door all the way open, then it gives out at the last minute and slams shut.  Well after discovering this I was going the extra mile to make sure that the door slammed shut every time I opened it.  Just two weeks ago Shirley responded by not only staring at me with her creepy old bug-eyes every time I opened the door, but buying a NEW pneumatic door closer that prevents the slamming from happening.  Well the other night I got my leatherman tool and adjusted the closer screw so that now it slams harder than shit every single time the door closes.  Since Shirley has no understanding of pneumatics this has become an item of endless consternation for her, especially when she put out her own cash to buy and have installed the new-and-improved closer.

Me 1 – Shirley 0

The next issue that she jammed down my neck was that apparently I was parking too close to the flowerbeds.  She is an endless gardener, probably because she is just an old bitter abandoned woman.  Regardless, she is balls deep in the flowerbeds all day and night.  She not only complained to me several times but actually tried to act as a human shield to prevent me from parking on the left side of my assigned parking spot one day.  I was coming back from the gym, listening to some kickass tunes, and the old bitch was standing there angrily in my fucking parking spot.  I rolled down my window and asked her to move to which she replied “why don’t you just park more to the right?”.  Well I fucking saw red and yelled out my window “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING PARKING SPOT YOU FUCKING TERMITE!” .Yes, I actually called her a termite – don’t know exactly why, but she begrudgingly moved.  Ever since that day I’ve been parking on the extreme left side of my spot so as to completely block her from accessing the flowerbeds there.  But apparently that wasn’t enough for me, and everyone needs to remember that I am a complete asshole.

So Shirley is a horrible old woman who is falling apart in every way. Shirley is so useless that she can’t tell exactly where the end of her parking spot is.  To solve this problem she placed a two foot long 4×4 board exactly where her front tire should stop – that way it acts as an indicator for the end of her parking spot.  Ok folks, here’s where my true asshole nature comes in.

I moved the fucking board.

I only moved it about two to three feet forward, just enough to fuck with her.  I don’t even know what I expected would happen, but that very same day I came back and saw her car had smashed into the pole in front of her parking spot.  She fucking crashed!!!  The pole had a large dent in it and was slightly bent, and the front of her car was caved in like a taco. I was taking my groceries into my apartment and she came out of her hag-hole to walk her yappy little dog and  she was staring at my angrily.  Even though she had no proof whatsoever I think somewhere deep down she must suspect me of moving the board.  As she was staring at me I pointed at the bent pole (now barely supporting the roof to the parking structure) and said “Nice park job, you know you’re going to have to pay for that to be repaired Shirley.”  She said nothing and bitterly walked off.  I capped off the event by returning to my apartment and bombing her from my kitchen. Check the posts from September 23 “Air Raid Bitchez!” and September 24 “Shock and Awe” to see how this works.

Me 2 – Shirley 0

So between the parking shit and the door slamming she has been getting increasingly frustrated.  Because she is not as skilled in clandestine passive-aggressive urban combat she has resorted to very obvious and weak retaliations.  For instance, I came home the other day from work and caught her spraying a hose directly into my balcony full stream.  It was instantly visible that this was no accident, she was spraying full power onto my shit intentionally. I had all my windows and shit closed so there was nothing getting fucked up, but I immediately confronted her.

Me “Shirley, what the fuck are you doing!?”

Shirley (completely surprised and shocked that she got caught) “Oh.. I um.. Oh.. Uhhhh.  I was watering the vines on the trellis, did I spray your balcony?  Oh I’m so sorry.  It was an accident.”

Me (seeing right through her total bullshit excuse – but with a big smile on my face) “Oh, ok, no big deal.  Just be more careful next time. See ya.”

Shirley (totally confused that I’m not mad in any way) “Oh. Ok..”

Well I will give her a point for the attack, but then it must be understood that my retaliation is probably worth two (even though I’ll just hold myself to one point).  So the very next day I went down to the garden with my leatherman and cut the stems all the way at the base of every plant growing on the trellis.  They all died in a day.  The other thing I did was unscrew the spray nozzle from the hose and shove a carrot into the neck of the hose.  I then took my leatherman and poked a bunch of holes in the hose below the carrot so that when the pressure builds up the hose will spray all over the place (hopefully drenching Shirley). The funniest thing is just imagining her astonishment at pulling out a goddamn carrot from the neck of the hose. I wish I got to see that, fuck thats funny!!!

Me 3 – Shirley 1

Finally – alarm clock HELL.  Well since I started working at my new job I’ve needed to get up early and get ready for work.  This requires me using an alarm clock so I’m not late.  Well apparently my alarm clock is so effective that it wakes Shirley up in her apartment below me.  She came up to me two mornings in a row as I was on the way to my truck and said “Hey! you need to turn your alarm clock down.  I can hear it every morning and it is waking me up.”  I simply replied “sure” and left.  Well by “sure” I actually meant Muahahahahahahaaaaa! FUCK NO BITCH!  Now I’m gonna turn that shizzle UP!

So what has happened is that I added the second alarm for 10 minutes after I’m out the door. Now not only does it blast off bright and early, but it sends forth a second salvo that nobody is even home to silence in any way.  The default setting of the clock is for the alarm to sound for one hour continuously before automatically setting off itself.  I think that that is more than enough time to completely annihilate Shirley’s sleep.  And yes, I am a total fucking asshole.

Me 4 – Shirley 1

So you may all think that I’m a total jerk but just a reminder, this is the lady who told me to my face that the hoped I wouldn’t come back from Iraq because it’s so nice when I’m gone.  She also forced me to have a lawyer draw up papers on some shit when she gossiped bullshit about me all over the complex.  All of this before I ever did one goddamn thing to her in any way, thereby provoking the conflict in the first place.  Aside from that she is just a bitter old hag who sits around all day looking for reasons to talk shit or complain about stuff at the complex.  Fuck you Shirley!

Shirley, please die soon, but not too soon – I enjoy making your life hell too much.

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2. Air Raid Bitchez!
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