Anti-Fashion ’08

Well its the new fucking year. 2008, fuck, it even sounds like we’re living in the future. Even though everything still pretty much sucks (and probably always will) there are some changes that should be made this year. So without any other blathering I present to you:

THE TOP TEN LIST OF FASHIONS THAT NEED TO DIE IN 2008!!!!!

- First and foremost - CROCs & UGG BOOTS!!! Uggs, FUCK OFF AND DIE!!!!! These things are the fucking worst, they cause me to nearly lose my mind in a fit of rage. Do not wear these around me or I may kill you savagely. You are not a Norwegian elf, take off the fucking elf boots and chuck them down a sewer pipe immediately!

Crocs..? I mean seriously…? Didn’t we already discover that plastic shoes don’t work like way back in 1986? Remember Jellies?! They were the fucking WORST! The smell was so bad I had to just avoid everyone wearing the goddamn things. What is your idiotic thought process!? The shits make your feet reek!

- Second - Juicy Couture go to HELL! i am sick of watching 500 pound disgusto-whores waddling out of wal-mart with a pair of 300 dollar sweat pants (!?) stretched to near breaking point. Women, you are not attractive, and while wearing sweat pants is recommended because you are a gigantic whale-bitch, relishing in this fact by writing “Juicy” on that disgusting sleeping-bag-filled-with-mayonaise that you call an ass is not a solution. Maybe just kill yourself. Or at least write something representative on your ass so that I don’t have to hate you just for being fat.

- Third - Fake tattoo shirts!!! Too afraid to get a real tattoo so you wanna wear a fucking nylon stocking on your arm and pretend!? Apparently these are getting more and more popular with every waking minute of the day!???? I just don’t fucking get it!? grow some balls and quit being such a total poser!?! This is exactly what I hate about people.. Exactly precisely why I wanna genocide most of america on sight. I’ve fucking had it….

I’VE HAD IT!!!!!!!!!

Ok, this is just a public warning. No bullshit here, if I am out at a bar and I see you wearing one of these I will kick the everloving shit out of you on general principal. You may be an otherwise great person, but you’re gonna wake up in the hospital with no teeth left in your head if you ever EVER let me catch you wearing one of these. Guy or chick, you will be totally destroyed. I’ve had enough of this shit and it ends RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!

…and yes I did find that last picture on a clothing site called “BeCool” I mean what the fucking hell has the world come to!?

- Fourth - Super tight skinny jeans aka chick jeans on dudes – What the fuck is wrong with you!? Those jeans were made for a fucking chick and you are a dude. Does that not seem kind of fucked up!? Don’t you notice when it takes you 30 fucking minutes to pull them on that they don’t fit correctly? Not only that but I don’t want to look at every vein and curve of your skinny nasty hipster legs articulated through skin tight jeans!!!!! Take off your little sisters clothes fag! You are annoying and obnoxious. I have no fear that I will destroy you, not only are you sooo gay that you’re wearing chick shit, but there is no way in hell you could out ninja-kick me with those fucking pants on. I will embarrass you bigtime.

- 5th - Mr. Bluetooth Headset go the fuck AWAY!!! You are the MOST ANNOYING PEOPLE IN THE FUCKING WORLD!!! Yes, more annoying than israeli jewish motorists and arabs of every shape and color. More annoying that stupid girls who act stupid because they think its cute. More annoying than smelly tree-huggers complaining about the ozone layer wearing Che t-shirts. Yep, you are even worse than the fitness fuckheads who jog annoyingly past me then stop, while still jogging, to squirt water in their mouths in the most obnoxious way possible like their in a fucking water commercial or something – like “I’m jogging, and I’m healthy, and I’m better than you”. You are the worst of them ALL! You know I actually am not a complete asshole all the time. Sometimes I’m just a regular guy like everyone else. When I’m walking down the street and some strange person walks up to me and starts talking I will turn to them and reply “what?” or “can I help you?” And when that person then scowls at me and I realize they are pretending to be Uhura from star-trek and display their perceived “cool” by talking to imaginary friends on a chunk of plastic stuffed in their ear – well i literally want to tear their arms off.

Notice to the next person who annoyingly uses a blue tooth headset in front of me: I am going to really mess up your whole week… maybe even year. Get lost fuckers!

- 6th - Mini-dogs. Listen bitch, get that fucking annoying yapping little dog out of your purse and go smother yourself to death. Its a little annoying yapping rat-creature. It is NOT cute. It needs to die. I’m surprised a hawk hasn’t swooped down and snatched it up for a quick snack. And what the fucking FUCK! Don’t dress the goddamn thing up like your fucking barbie doll. FUCK! The next purse-dog that crosses my path is getting thrown at the nearest brick wall as hard as i can possibly chuck it. Bitches, be warned.

- 7th - circa 1983 sweatbands – Hey hipster, yeah you with the hair that took 5 hours to look like you just crawled out of bed, take that ridiculous headband off your fucking melon and get lost before I kick-start your face. I will put that headband to use when I crack your fucking head open you tool. I’ll load it up with blood for once instead of that $300 product you’ve been faggishly telling all your friends about. You are not “Superbad” and you are not Napoleon Dynamite. You are a pathetic, chicks-jeans-wearing, sissy-boy who couldn’t fight or fuck your way out of a wet paper bag. I am going to ruin you. God!!! Just look at the picture of that fucker and tell me you don’t just want to beat the shit out of him. I mean I can’t look at his face for more than 3 seconds without wanting to smash it with a baseball bat.

- 8th - This kind of goes with the mini-dogs, but hey fuckers… Get rid of that fucking 3rd world accessory baby. its just stupid and pathetic. you are not working towards world peace or saving a rainforest. Please just go away.

- 9th - Women’s tops that make them look pregnant. What the fuck are you thinking!? I know that for one split second it was cool to wear a dress and jeans at the same time but this shit has to end. Its a total buzz-kill every time I see this. Fuck man, its buzz-genocide. An otherwise attractive girl wearing fat chick clothes. Are you obsessed with being preggo, or do you just like looking disgusting. You could be the skinniest girl in the world and this shit makes you look fat and nasty. Oh yeah, and just a quick note for the fatties – I know skinny girls wear this stuff, but you’re not fooling anyone. Go on a diet.- 10th - Well last but not least on the list of woe…. BURKAS IN AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK! What the HELL are you people thinking… Ok, well, you’re muslim so maybe you aren’t thinking.. but what the FUCK!?!?!?!? The burka is a symbol of female oppression. You are in America. Whats the fucking malfunction!? Don’t you know that what you are doing is like a criminal wearing handcuffs as a fashion statement!? its like a jew wearing a goddamn nazi jew-badge or a black dude wearing a fucking noose!???!???? Seeing this shit here in America makes me seriously want to kill all you fuckers for good. Just do the world a favor and slaughter the whole raging pack of you. What the fuck are you thinking!? If you’re gonna act like a muslim I’m afraid I’m gonna have to ask you to leave our country. No.. Seriously… just go.

So that’s the list – hope you all take note and at least don’t transgress the worst of these offenses around me – for your sake.

Here are a few honorable mentions that didn’t make the list today:

- the “murse” or “man-purse” - hey asshole, god already created a purse for men, its called a backpack.

- girls who use the term “boy” to describe men. i.e. “hey Shannon, did you see Chris the other day? he is such a cute boy!” shut up you stupid bitch!

- ‘bling’ on non-rappers - take that shit off retard. you are a skinny surburban white kid, what the fuck are you thinking?

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