My Machine

My dad is going crazy in his old age. In the past he has tried to get me to do several things that I cosider “crazy talk”. After I told him about the revolts and immolations in China my dad joined the local sect of Falun Gong. In this sect he was going to gain ‘magical powers’ including the ability to fly. At one time he tried to get me to eat this bacteria which he called “good bacteria” that apparently our body... Read More

Bums

The fucked up thing about dry cleaning is that I can never completely remember if I just dropped something off or picked it up.  Regardless, I had a pack of matches in my pocket from my buddy’s wedding and it came from my dry cleaning, wherever the hell it was.  I hopped into my truck and drove north.  Through the choking traffic and caustic fumes of car exhaust into the barren black hills that are all that remained after the wildfires. ... Read More

Corpse Grinder

I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for a week. Will the fucking government ever respond to my goddamn counter-offer or what! Outrage. I got a notice today that one of my neighbors, Ida, had died in her apartment.  She was one of the old people living in my building, unfortunately she was the only one that was actually cool to talk to.  Unlike the gossipmonger Shirley, and the scornfully judgmental Carol, Ida always just had cool stuff... Read More

The Snake Diet

I assassinated my soul with alcohol. Throughout history there have been many successful assassinations. Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by his own senators in front of the Theatre of Pompey. Twenty three stab wounds decorated his dead body, twenty three murderous knife thrusts. Mark David Chapman shot John Lenin four times on the street in front of his hotel. Bobby Kennedy was also shot four times by Sirhan Sirhan. Malcolm X was shot 16 times with... Read More

He Was One of Us

I slept for 12 hours last night…!? I think I must be on the verge of death.. who the fuck sleepts 12 hours!?!? The crazy part is that I could have slept all day but I had to make myself get up and out of bed… It was soooo comfy and nice. Ok.. enough strangeness! I already know what everyone is going to say. “Why the FUCK haven’t you been updating the site!?” Well I have no excuses, I basically suck. So instead of just... Read More