Jam Box
I only have 2 words in my pizza-pipe right now;
“JAM BOX!”
I was bebop-ing around the other day and I happened across a remarkable piece of 1980′s technology, a jam box. It was sitting right there next to a dumpster, god knows why anyone would want to throw something so kickass away, it must have been some colossal mistake that I somehow benefitted from. Regardless, I scored a brand new jam box. I call it a jam box, some folks call it a ghetto blaster, I call it a jam box.
I searched far and wide until I finally gathered up the 8 (count ‘em eight!) D size batteries required to power up this bad boy. As luck would have it the fucking thing flicked on and started shooting kickass tunes all over my apartment. Even better, now I no longer need to keep using my stupid iPod and can truly embrace music in the way that the artists intended for it to be listened to – on TAPE! Yes! No more iTunes trying to sell me garbage, no more fucking digital for that matter – this baby’s analog. Analog is more natural than digital, I think its probably better for the environment.
The only problem is that I only have 2 tapes in my whole house any more – one was the soundtrack to Conan the Barbarian, the other was my old Ozzy Osbourne & Randy Rhoads Tribute tape. So I blasted Mr. Crowley right into my ear and strutted around my apartment like the badass that I now am. I was gonna walk all over my neighborhood but my shoulder quickly got tired from carrying the thing around. I think our primitive ancestors must have been much more robust than modern man, simply the fortitude to carry around a jam box appears to be almost too much for my pathetic modern shoulders to handle. I tried to take it into the gym but they said I couldn’t play my “stereo” in the weight room – apparently thats why they pipe that bullshit radio shit into the gym. Anyway, I tried to argue it, but they wouldn’t listen – fascists!
So I ripped apart an old television box that I was using to store some big pieces of styrofoam and some old bags of fast food trash that I was too lazy to throw away, and I am now teaching myself to break dance on the sidewalk in front of my apartment. The bad news is that I’m a terrible break dancer, but the good news is that my jam box starts shooting purple laser beams out of the speakers every time old Michael Jackson songs come on. Its a very strange occurance, and I have no explanation for it. I have begun experimenting with all kinds of music to see what kinds of results I can evoke. So far the closest I’ve come to what I’m now calling the “Michael Jackson Effect” is when Beach Boys songs play the whole stereo starts to glow orange. I think I have found a glitch in the matrix or some kind of supernatural event. I just don’t have the scientific training to properly understand what is going on – but I will continue to experiment despite these limitations. I will keep everyone posted on results and updates as they occur. Until then, check out these bitchin’ photos of my super cool jam box!!!!!!!
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