Notes From the Underground

Another week has dropped off the map forever, another weekend too. I don’t really have anything tangible to show for my experiences over the past few days except for some spots on my liver and a little spilled tacos on my front door mat.

Halloween came and went, uneventful. I remember last year I was so excited to have a Halloween in the states for the first time in years – it was great. Met a nice girl, had some drinks, had fun. This year… nothing. I almost wish it didn’t happen when it did. I wasn’t prepared. No big plans. No special lady. Just an empty apartment and two fistfulls of free time.

Had some interviews this week, hopefully they will be fruitful, but who can say. As of right now I’m just feeling hung over, tired, and totally obtuse. My good bro Bobby finally had his wedding yesterday and it was fun as shit. I drank too much, ate WAY too much, made out with a bunch of random girls, and in general made a total ass of myself as usual. I see myself doing these things sometimes, I feel like I’m standing right beside myself while I power headlong into mistake after fucked up mistake, but I just don’t have the strength to try and stop myself. I wonder what the hell is going on inside my brain sometimes that makes me hunger for booze, and women, and heaping piles of buffet food. Its almost a suicidal urge to charge into these things unprepared and without any consideration for the consequences. I feel like a beast. More ape than man. Struggling with the fact that I’m a monster living in a human world and yet unable to change… Unwilling even.

So its not nearly as bad as I’m making it out, it was a super fun time and everyone basically high-fived and had a nice hug over all the drunken insanity. The ceremony was totally kickass and it was nice to meet everyone’s families.

But here i still sit, up in the middle of the night, restless. Unable to sleep, feeling like there was something left undone… unsaid. I don’t know what it could be, I take it upon myself to make sure that no boxes are left unchecked – no matter the situation. What is this restless feeling that has rusty gears turning mournfully in my head all night long?

I just need something to happen. Something to break it all loose. Something to kick my life back into some kind of order. Anything.. just to keep the sound of these tired churning gears from driving me insane.

I feel like the anonymous narrator in Dostoevsky’s ‘Notes From the Underground’

“

I AM A SICK MAN…. I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man. I believe my liver is diseased. However, I know nothing at all about my disease, and do not know for certain what ails me. I don’t consult a doctor for it, and never have, though I have a respect for medicine and doctors. Besides, I am extremely superstitious, sufficiently so to respect medicine, anyway (I am well-educated enough not to be superstitious, but I am superstitious). No, I refuse to consult a doctor from spite. That you probably will not understand. Well, I understand it, though. Of course, I can’t explain who it is precisely that I am mortifying in this case by my spite: I am perfectly well aware that I cannot “pay out” the doctors by not consulting them; I know better than anyone that by all this I am only injuring myself and no one else. But still, if I don’t consult a doctor it is from spite. My liver is bad, well — let it get worse!

“

The anonymous narrator and protagonist of the novel, The Underground Man (or ‘Notes From the Underground’), is a minor civil servant living in nineteenth-century St. Petersburg who has exiled himself completely into what he calls the “underground”, a state of total alienation and isolation from society. The guy is severely misanthropic, the underground man believes himself to be more intelligent and perceptive than most other people in the world, but he also despises himself and frequently feels himself to be inferior or humiliated. The entire novel, all the events and other characters are seen only from the underground man’s skewed perspective.

Well shit, maybe this whole stupid website is just my ‘notes from the underground’.

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