I Hate Whole Foods

I want to eat healthy, I want to do what is right for the environment, and I want to shop at a supermarket that supports these intentions, but I HATE WHOLE FOODS.

The place is, at its most elementary level, a good idea.  Unfortunately in execution it is a judgmental left wing hippie hell hole.  I don’t like being judged for not filling my cart with all organic foods.  I don’t like being judged because my fucking clothes aren’t made out of hemp rope.  I don’t like being told about stupid homeopathic cures for shit that only takes a pill to solve.  If organic food was so fucking healthy then why do they have a whole section of vitamins and shit?  If eating pig droppings from a South American rain forest makes you a mega-man then why does everyone shopping in the place look like a homeless cancer patient.  You know, I hate branding as much as the next guy but when not one single package appears to even resemble the products that I know and love it gets me a little frustrated.  You can’t even buy a fucking Coke there.  I mean, all I want is a goddamn protein bar – not a wheat grass and raisin nasty tasting monkey-shit bar.

Is this all just a scheme to get me to pay more and more for shit I don’t want or need by ratty useless wanna-be’s acting superior by trying to make me feel less alternative than them.  Less in tune with the earth goddess.  Less ‘part of the solution’.  So you charge me twice as much for the recycled packaging and then force me to by two times the groceries just to keep up.

BULLSHIT!

If the place is about health then why does everyone who works there look like a concentration camp survivor with more piercings than I can even comprehend?  And why do they all stink of B.O. ?  This ain’t no hippie commune out in the desert.  This ain’t some motorcycle road trip with Peter Fonda… TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER YOU SMELLY FUCKS!  Since when does smelling bad and chicks having armpit hair mean you are saving the environment?   Maybe if you would stop taking baths in brown algae and afterbirth you could get the stink out of your pores you nasty weirdos!

Look, I’m not against alternative lifestyles of any kind, but I thought people who apparently identify with others in being ostracized would conduct themselves less critically of people who just want to get some fucking groceries.  So take your Che Guevara t-shirt and VW bug and drive off a fucking cliff.

You know the workers are only half the problem.  The shoppers almost make me go postal every time I’m in there.  I get cut in line by yuppie’s and homo’s all speaking the same foreign “health” language.  If your lifestyle was so fucking healthy then I wouldn’t be able to kick your ass up and down the street in front of your mama without you being able to do a single thing about it except whimper out “I’m sorry”.  I swear to god people do more reading in a Whole Foods than in a goddamn library.  I mean, I read labels too but these assholes are acting like there’s gonna be a test at checkout.  Just in case there is one, I am certain that Kashi cereal is made exclusively out of cardboard.

Another thing is that because I am at Whole Foods does not in any way identify my political leanings.  No I don’t love Hillary or Obama.  No I don’t think that blah blah blah.  Keep your smelly monkey ideas between you and your monkey mate.  I don’t want to know about anything that is going on inside your primitive healthy conscious environmental monkey head.  If you are a vegan then we have really nothing to talk about.  I eat meat, I wear meat, I am meat.  I am a million animal parts all smashed together lovingly.  I like the thought of slaughterhouses, I like the sound, and I like the smell.  I like leather jackets – If they were good enough for the Ramones then they are good enough for me.  I like animal testing because I don’t want a shampoo that will burn holes in my eyes or a cancer drug that will make my balls shrivel.  I like all kinds of things that would make you shit all over your wicker furniture.  All you dowdy, sullen, over-sized glasses wearing, cable knit sweater and turtle neck wearing, frizzy unkempt hair, foot shuffling type people that are likely college drop-outs or part-time bums just stay the fuck out of my way.

The cereal aisle is like walking through bizarro world.  Nutty puffed millet meal and fruity leather globs is not my idea for a healthy breakfast.  I want bacon and eggs.  Hot coffee harvested off the slave labor of third world workers paid a penny a day for their toils.  I mean all this praline and granola yogurt slop is never gonna cure a fucking hangover in a million years.  All that cran-tomato juice just sounds like indigestion leading to a painful nutty shit.  No wonder they have whole sections devoted to making good dumps, because the food itself is the antithesis of healthy bowels.  I mean, it’s sooo healthy that I got whole-grain diarrhea shooting out of my eye sockets.

The fucked up thing is that some milf’y orange county lady will drive up in her SUV and then fill it to the brim with ‘save the environment’ bullshit.  Not only are you a hypochondriac but a hypocrite as well.  Maybe its just for the image.  Whole Foods IS the most expensive groceries you can get.  Leading the pack over other specialty stores like Trader Joes and Henry’s by a long mile.  I call the whole foods down in La Jolla “Whole Paycheck” because it costs so much to shop there.  The WP in Hillcrest gets the name of “Whole Dudes” because all the gay boys are all on the prowl for a lover with a healthy colon.

Here’s a true story for you.  So there I was, buying almond butter. I like almond butter. I don’t necessarily prefer it peanut butter, but the shit is damn tasty and I read somewhere that almonds have good shit in them.  I’m there, scouting out the almond butters and another customer says “You know they make that in the same factory as they make the peanut butter.”

“Oh. Ok. Thanks” I said, still reading the label.

“No, really” she insists, “That’s not a good one. They make it in the same place they have peanuts.”

“Yes, you said that. Peanuts. Thanks.” And I place the jar gingerly into my basket as if it were butter not made of sunny organic California almonds but cloudy inorganic Nevada TNT.

Oh, but she insists, “Look, do what you want, but you’re going to be very very sick if you eat that one.”

Me – “Why?”

Health Hag – “Because of the peanuts!” in the same way you tell a 2-year old the hot water is HOT.

Me – “Last I checked, peanuts weren’t cyanide, so I think I’ll be just fine. But thanks for the concern!”

Health Hag – “Well, they are if you’re allergic to them!” Like in “Duh!” Like in “How dumb are you, Mr Almond Butter Dude?”

Finally, an organic wholegrain lightbulb goes off over her head. “Oh, you’re not allergic are you? I am.. even the smell of a peanut makes me swell up for a week. I can’t fly because of that.”

Me – “Ah. And no, I’m not allergic. Peanuts are great.”

Health Hag – “So why don’t you buy peanut butter?”

Me – “Because I like almond butter too, so what?”

And then, the kicker. The punchline. The slap in the balls.

Health Hag – “So can’t you buy the peanut butter and save the almond butter for people who can’t eat peanut butter? Why don’t you put that back and buy the peanut butter instead?”

Me – “I thought this shit makes you sick anyway?  Leave me the fuck alone lady.”

So I guess to be fair I gotta say that the salad buffet and the sandwich deli are pretty fucking kickass.  The Jamba Juice right inside the store is kickass as well.  Other than that, all I can really say is..

WHOLE FOODS GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!

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