Static, Static, Static… We’re on a Video Rage

I played PS3 with my buddy Bobby until 6am this morning. We drank a million gallons of Jack Daniels and destroyed a million terrorists on Rainbow 6 : Las Vegas. We also ate a million pieces of Papa Johns Italian Meats pizza. It was delicious. I slept on a couch for 3 hours. Now I am totally hung over, tired, I have some kind of bowel problem from all that cheese and whiskey, and i gotta drive up to Fullerton to have a BBQ with my mom. I ate a multi-vitamin and a hydroxycut extreme to jump start my motor and now I feel like I’m gonna barf herbal dust all over the place. My fridge is completely empty and I’m drinking diet coke to rehydrate for the drive.

basically this day is making me go totally bitch-cakes.

on top of everything else I’m getting really irritated by a million things and I gotta splash them all up here right now before my head explodes.

things that may cause me to KILL YOU ON SIGHT list 3231341231231432:

- guys using emoticons to other guys. What the fucking shit!?!?? Don’t be a homo, stop doing this right now. It is really creepy and when I get one it makes me feel all fucking gross inside.

- UGG BOOTS. Seriously there is nothing in this world that will make me hate you faster than wearing fucking UGG BOOTS@!!!@!@!@ I fucking HATE these things. You are not a goddamn snow elf living in norway. Take those FUCKING UGG BOOTS OFF!

- car stereo remote controls. HEY RETARD, JUST USE YOUR FUCKING ARM!! The fucking stereo is less than 2 feet away, how fucking LAZY can one person be?!!!?

- people who wait until they are married to have sex. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU IDIOTS!!!!?! Just fuck and get it over with. You do not get “cool points” for being a virgin. You are not god’s special little creation and better than anybody else because you haven’t done the nasty. Get over yourself fuckheads. I’m sick of hearing about it like its a fucking important cultural movement or something. Nobody cares, get out of my fucking FACE!

- Bush hating. Ok, well the world is all fucked up. The country is all fucked up. Bush has made a steaming pile of mistakes. This is the given. Everything is a fucking total disaster so SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT BUSH. Just because you badmouth Bush does not mean you are a relevant hippie or politically knowledgable or intelligent or any other fucking thing. I am sooooo sick of people just defaulting to bush-hating when they have nothing better to talk about or just want some attention because its ‘trendy’. Why do you assholes try and get on other peoples’ good graces or change their opinion of you as a person by simply talking trash on Bush? It is totally transparent and totally retarded. Here is a quick list of people I see talking shit endlessly about Bush.

People who won’t shut the fuck up about bush mini-list:

- showing a guy’s face at the end of a porno. WHY THE HELL DO THEY DO THIS!?!?!? Nobody cares how much fun it looks like the dude is pretending to be having when he blows his load. Nobody cares how handsome the guy is. Men’s faces should never appear in a decent porn movie, its just ridiculous. Why is it that you can be watching a great climatic porn where the goddamn babysitter fucks the husband when his wife is away and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, to your surprise, BLAMMO, you see some naked dude yell BRWAAAAAH! and shake his head like a rottweiler tearing the ass out of a steak. This isnt a buzz kill, this is severe buzz genocide.

- slowmoving idiots that don’t know how to use an ATM. Hey fuckhead, figure it out in less than a minute or get the fuck out of my way. I am tired of standing behind you while you try to determine whether or not you want ‘fast cash’ or simply a ‘withdrawl’. HURRY THE FUCK UP AND FUCK OFF! I mean the fucking things even work in espanol for fucking mexicans so how goddamn hard can it really be to operate you idiot!?!?

- up-sizing every time I want to buy something has got to fucking end immediately! No I don’t want fries and a drink with my order or a would have FUCKING ORDERED IT YOU PIECE OF SHIT! How fucking annoying can you be. No, I don’t want to make a fucking CHARITABLE DONATION to your stupid fucking charity, I just want my GODDAMN GROCERIES! No, I don’t want to get a fucking subscription to your fucking magazine I just want what the fuck I came up here for. Thats it, thats all, nothing more. So take all your upsizing BULLSHIT and shove it up your fucking ASS!

- escalator statues go to hell. I am guilty of this too, but don’t be a lazy piece of shit. Either walk up the fucking escalator or stand to the side so the ‘walkees’ can get past you. I don’t want to glimpse into your miserable existence while waiting behind you and your pathetic maggot children as you stand perfectly still on the escalator. Get out of my fucking way you troll.

- starbucks. why did you addict me to your burnt bullshit coffee? I hate you and i can’t stop drinking your brown piss-water. You are around every corner, using predatory business practices to stamp out unique independent coffee houses, and yet I find myself craving you like a mindless zombie. You are a piece of shit corporation that is spreading globally on the slave labor of thousands of third-world peoples and yet I must take your nasty brew into my body regularly. I have tried getting into green tea. I love the shit. But deep down I’m just denying my true feelings. These are the confessions of a closet starbucks lover.

- people who point at their wrist when asking me what time it is. I know where my fucking watch is you idiot, where the fuck is yours!? Do I need to point at my dick when I ask where the bathroom is? NO! So quit being a retard.

- people who say “Can I ask you a question?”. Answer, NO! Fuck off you timid fucks. I know you are probably gonna either bug me about my hair or tattoo or clothes or god knows what, so let me just tell you right off the bat.. NO! FUCK OFF! NO!

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