Hoo-Yah Hollywood

8 navy seals totally bored on a Hollywood movie set = total hilarity.

My alarm cranked off at 2:30am. Time to get up, I was on my way up to L.A. for another weekend of total mayhem on the set of the Will Smith action-comedy-drama “John Hancock”.

I picked up Bobby and we somehow make amazing time. It only took us an hour and a half to finish the commute which left us with a large chunk of unused time. We decided to just let the AC run and sleep in my truck for an hour before stumbling our way to craft services for the super buffet. I have made a fair reputation for myself with my eating abilities on the set. The good news is that we’ve only been working on the weekends so I have all week to burn it all off. The bad news is that I am a super-pig.  Saturday I started out with an omelet, a couple blueberry pancakes, a bowl of cold cereal, and some bagels with lox and cream cheese. I think it would amaze anyone the amount of groceries I can put away when I have nothing to do but lay around in the dirt all day bored off my ass. If/when I do another one of these little jobbies I promise I will keep a “food diary” of every single thing I stuff into my burp-pit.

Better than craft services, though, is the opportunity to have a mini-reunion with a bunch of really good seal buddies of mine. Colin came out from VA Beach, Tiny came down from San Fran, and a bunch of us all drove up from San Diego.

The first day was pretty normal. Just a bunch of running around like a jackass trying to act cool while wearing a cop uniform and sticking my greasy monkey face in the camera every chance I get. Its basically a big jerk off. We mostly just sat around and did stupid teamguy shit to include:

Bored ass movie set lost my mind list 5150:

- Bobby and I formed a barbershop duet named “Faggotini and Poophart” (he’s Poophart, pronounced ‘poo-fart’, and I am the legendary baritone ‘Dominick Faggotini’)

- Sang a bunch of ridiculous songs with such titles as “My Brownstar Valentine”, “Lemon Time”, and “Vaginal Secretions” (which was inspired by the observation that women get a little bit wet every time Will Smith walks by).

- Slept in the dirt as much as possible.

- Reminisced about a thousand drunken nights when we worked together in the teams.

- Made fun of each other every chance we got.

- Made fun of the hilariously idiotic background extras who were running around with guns like fat dudes with downs syndrome dressed as LAPD.

- Pulled off many pranks on each other.

- Checked out the female members of the cast and crew with the critical eye of a coroner and the mouth of a drunken pirate.

- Ate a bunch of unhealthy crap.

- Sweat a lot.

A few memorable moments flashed from the haze.

Me, commenting on my singing abilities to Bob, “when I go that deep it hurts my throat”.

Bob, while exploding with laughter, “Dude, did you hear what you just said to me!?!”

-=-

Drago, mouth overflowing with white cream, comes running up from the food counter, Polish accent working full power “ooh poofs! I fucking love these poofs they are fucking GOOD! This cream is so GOOD in my mouth!”

-=-

Igor trying to stick a fried fish stick into my mouth when I backhand smacked it full power. It flew like an ICBM until landing on Joel’s leg.

-=-

Bobby, remarking on a new unique aroma, “DUDE! That food STINKS! It smells like my dog’s anal glands! Or is that just me.”

In all it was a good time. Best of all was Saturday night when we all headed over to Barney’s Beanery (an old Jim Morrison hang out) in West Hollywood for some serious drinks and a lot of rowdy fun.

Much of this night is a blur, basically a mix of alcohol and testosterone in very generous portions. I personally can remember drinking whiskey, vodka, tequila, beer, and some shots that were filled with god knows what. Basically everything in sight. I vaguely remember ordering a cheeseburger and side of mashed potatoes and gravy, then dunking my burger in the gravy volcano. Super yum.

Igor somehow ended up wearing Summer’s bra, Colin nearly got into a couple fights by being obnoxious to girls he was hitting on (which he later explained by saying “I knew I was already going down, so I figured I might as well go down in flames”) and Tiny went over to the dark side in under 30 seconds by spiking a glass (filled with somebody’s drink) and slamming a wood and glass door so hard I thought it would explode. I patted him on the shoulder and asked him what was up, his reply with eyes glazed over with rage “HEY! YOU PUSHED ME!”

It was time to go. Bobby and I snagged a cab and got Tiny out of there before somebody got their arms ripped off. I kind of blacked out in the back of the cab, but when we finally got back to the hotel, the back of the cab looked like someone had basically stuck an m-80 in a head of lettuce and set it off. I got out and unbeknownst to me there was a small pile of slaw on my neck, back, and shoulders. Tiny and I had gone totally Donkey Kong on some Double Del cheeseburgers from Del Taco.  Later on it was told to me that Bobby and I seranaded the cab driver with our beautiful songs the entire ride back to the hotel – since I have no memory of this it can not be confirmed, but it seems plausable.

Tiny couldn’t remember his room number and it took 20 minutes of knocking on random doors at 2:30am to finally find the one his key worked in. I had taken a suggestion from Igor earlier and written my room number on my arm in pen.

Bobby and I got back to our slumber box in a state of abject delirium. I brushed my teeth in a swagger as Bobby cranked some Korean language bible study tv show full volume. I finally came out of the bathroom, mouth frothing like a rabid dog, and nearly pulled the tv out of the wall to get the fucker unplugged.

Somehow a clear plastic shower cap had been placed on my head by the booze elves in our room and Bobby lost complete control as I rampaged about the room. In one final act of defiance I smashed the shower cap from my head to his as he fell deep into the abyss of a Robert DeNiro impersonation. Somehow my camera appeared in my hand and one lone photograph was taken…

(+)

We went unconscious. Call time was 6am, so when we awoke a mere 15 minutes later to shave and go to work it is a brazen understatement to say that we were still drunk. In fact we were still totally shitfaced.

We ran into Igor at the lobby and he drove behind our drunkenly erratic and weaving path two blocks down the road to the set. Being squared away teamguys we were used to being in this situation – that is, totally shithouse drunk and either trying to get back on time to work or in fact working on some completely heinous task that would be utterly draining to a healthy sober man who had a full night of sleep the night before. At least nobody was in jail (that we knew about).

Somehow the gods of drunken bastards smiled on us this day because we did absolutely nothing but sleep on the sticky grime-soaked sidewalk in a parking garage there at the set. They had no work for us until 5pm that evening. Our bodies basically switched over into field mode. We were suddenly able to sleep anywhere, eat anything, stop shitting completely, and basically bivy up for 11 hours straight.

I think we really added something to that movie, even if our performances were completely bullshit, out of focus, and in the far background. Our contribution had nothing to do with the movie itself except for the cast and crew to take selfish pleasure in the sight of ten cops passed out drunk and sleeping for hours on end on the pavement. I can remember waking up several times to find some strange person snapping off photos with their cellphone or simply pointing and laughing with not an ounce of remorse or sympathy. Hollywood is a heartless town and making movies is a heartless business, today is proof of that.

I got home just in time to pick up a nasty-gram taped to my door by the condominium association.  Basically they were pissed off that I missed yet another association meeting and they don’t like that one bit.  Well whatever, I’m a badass moviestar now so they can all go fuck off.

Hooyah John Hancock! Hooyah Hollywood!

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