Kerplunk!

3.. 2.. 1.. KERPLUNK!

I go out of town for 2 days to work on a fucking movie and put some cash back in the pile and when I come home I find out that my kitchen has completely self-destructed!  Hahahaha.. its fucking totally hilarious.  Apparently the feed line to the dish washer blew up and right now I have a crackerjack team of mexican laborers smashing the whole floor and cabinets up with crowbars.  The carpet has been slashed with razorblades and is folded over like extra skin during some massive cosmetic surgury on a morbidly obese monster exposing the soft and squishy guts beneath.

The bad news = right now my kitchen looks like New Orleans after the hurricane.

The good news = after my $500 deductable I will have a nearly completely remodeled kitchen (floors, cabinets, counters – well hopefully countertops.. because a bunch of tiles have cracked and blown off with the total carnage that is taking place before my very eyes)

Im sitting here typing this while an ever-growing pile of linoleum, drywall, and brown soaked wooden boards is growing into a soggy mess in my livingroom.  Hahah… So yesterday I was pretty bummed out about the whole thing… I mean, I had to murder Iraqis and have my body and mind mangled beyond repair for the few scraps of cash that I put into this little shitbox.. and then to watch a major part of it simply implode like a tornado in reverse… Well it was like watching my life drain out of my eyesockets.  But now.. one day and a few vodka-rockstars later.  I think its actually kinda funny – well really funny, because life is just like this endless sick joke.

The Mexi crowbar commandos are pretty cool.. I got a fat one and a skinny one.  The fat one is the good worker, the skinny one is actually super lazy and a total whiner.  The fat dude keeps picking on the skinny one (named Ramone) about scraping up the linoleum and shit.  haha.. total comedy.   He started singing some weird spangilsh version of “oops i did it again” except he changed all the words to make fun of the little guy (who at this point looks about ready to cut the fat dudes throat with a tile knife).

I have all these old abandoned women living around me in the condo complex here who basically want to see me dead.  I am always getting noise complaints and they constantly seem to be stuffing their old noses into my business.  So what I did was kick down a bunch of Rockstars to the workers and ask them what kind of music they like – it happen to be Rap .. PERFECT! – so I cranked on the TV to the music station “Rap (uncensored)” and blasted that at full volume while they hammered and scraped the residential detritus out of my condo.

Three separate times old hags came up to me and wanted to get into my business, turns out that my arch-nemesis Shirley (from downstairs) had an overflowed toilet that soaked her whole house with shit water.  YAY!  She called me up and told me not to use my toilet or it would all go into her house.

Well you all can probably guess what I did… I sat down, took a massive dump, and flushed it directly into her face….  TWICE!

She came up screaming that “CHUNKY BROWN WATER IS COMING OUT OF THE TUBE!?!?!” I simply laughed and went back to my own ground zero.

So after a highly trained team of laborers ripped every single chunk of kitchen out of my ass we finally got to the source of the problems.  A little 35 cent gray plastic connector that attaches to the feedline of the dishwasher cracked and was slowly dripping water out for the last 3-4 weeks (duration determined by the amound of soakage and degree of mold).

I told the dudes that everything after my deductable would be covered by the insurance so they should feel free to completely smash as much of my house as they want to.  This way when the repair crew comes in they basically can do the maximum amount of upgrades as possible.  This is actually a very scary offer, especially when I’m sitting here watching crowbars and ballpine hammers coming through the walls.  Hahah.. god man, what a joke.  Later on they brought up these small power saws and basically cut the whole floor away.  I have a feeling that this is gonna get a whole lot worse before it gets better.  :-(

So for now, at least until this next weekend when I get to dive over exploding cars for 16 hours a day in full costume and make-up, I’m trapped down stuck in the kitchen reek stink and smell.

By the way, those hollywood assholes cut off my sideburns.  I almost started crying.. well ok, I did cry, but in a really manly badass way. hahaha!!!

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