El Diablo
It was total destruction.
It was total mayhem.
It was total victory!
We completely crushed the opposition. Dodgeball is the best fucking game ever. I love it. Their team name was the “Beach Boozers” but by the time we were done with them they felt more like the “bitch losers”. Its been a long time since I’ve felt the competitive juices surging through my body. Coursing through my veins like hot magma. The hunger to rip somebody’s face off and eat it. The desire to completely make somebody your bitch. I fucking love it.
Even though our team did not execute the strict discipline that we were focusing on in practice we did implement our strategies with devastating effects.
I’m sure you don’t want the whole rundown, but here are a few highlights:
- I threw the ball so hard at this 90 pound blonde girl’s that it knocked her contact lenses out of her head (she’s lucky I didn’t knock her eyeballs out too).
- threw the ball at this dude who was trying to be all sneaky and drop to the ground and the ball hit this dude right in the fucking jawbone. Pathetic fucker laid there for 2 minutes just squealing before he got up and walked off the court. He was seen holding his jaw and whimpering for the rest of the night.
- Captain Insano had the most amazing diving catch of all time. It actually bounced off one of our players and would have meant elimination but with his extra effort not only was our man safe and the opposing player out but we got another man back on the court.
- Some chick was about to throw the ball at Echy and he was shit talking her the whole time “Don’t do it! You better not, you’re gonna be totally fucked. Don’t even try it!” She threw it, he caught it instantly, and simply said “I fucking told you!”
- Villain threw the ball straight across the court like a fucking laserbeam and when this guy tried to jump over it the ball completely crushed his cock and balls. They were totally pulverized into dust. It was fucking awesome.
- I threw the ball so goddamn hard that some dude on the sidelines got completely irate. He yelled out “HEY!! TAKE IT EASY MAN, SOME OF US DON’T HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE!!” – to which I simply shrugged and laughed but Bobby instantaneously shouted “You wanna fight? We’ll fight right now!”
- One of our teammates overheard some kid on his cellphone telling somebody “Holy shit, you gotta see these guys. They throw the ball so fucking hard that it makes the whole building shake!?!”
- I had a ball and charged at this dude who had just thrown. He was running away and looking back with gigantic fear-glazed eyes. He looked like a scared little animal running from a predator. He looked like he knew he was already fucked but the reality of how bad was only just now starting to overwhelm him. When I slammed the dodgeball into his spine like a comet from outer space with an immense roar of exhilaration it was like the most picturesque moment of a kill ever. It was just as satisfying as going full auto on a crowd of muslim insurgents. He fell flat on his face still in the grips of fear and the horror of his own downfall and I shouted “Get out of here BITCH!” with an exaggerated hand motion. He slinked off the court with his tail between his legs.
In all we totally ruled the court. We accomplished all of our goals (win, and make everyone fear and hate us). I’m sure I’m forgetting a bunch of really funny and cool stuff right now, but it’s like 6am and I’m so so so fucking hungover that my whole body feels like its made out of beer-soaked sawdust. I can’t stop dry heaving, its pretty horrible actually. We went out boozin’ after the game at Tony’s in OB and I must have drank 3 pitchers of Bud Light all to my head before they finally dragged me out of there. I gotta really hand it to Christy for taking care of me on this one because apparently I was so drunk that I was saying these totally incoherent things about bricks and chains and the bottom of the ocean. Total comedy. Summer even came down to watch the bloodbath. What a glorious night.
I have hand crafted a logo and new silk screen for our dodgeball team t-shirts. Here is what I have wrought for El Diablo:
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