How To: Kill a Tree
For legal purposes this blog will be written under the pen name of “Mr. Bloggs”
One day Mr. Bloggs woke up and realized that the tree that his neighbors loved and cherished was totally pissing him off. Not only were the leaves falling onto his property but the roots were destroying his garden and the trunk itself was slowly pushing over his fence. His wonderful view of downtown Bloggsville was blocked by the menacing horrible tree. Mr. Bloggs was not a stupid man so he set about to try and deal with the problem like everyone else would, complain to the offending neighbors. They were insensitive to his problems, told him that even though he watched them cook and eat and fuck and live through his window that the loving beautiful tree provided privacy. It has been in their family for over 50 years, planted by their grandmother. They were never going to get rid of it.
Well Mr. Bloggs was not giving up that easily. He got on the internet and looked and looked until he finally decided that there was no good resource for how to kill a tree. Especially completely undetected like he wanted to. Most people simply cut the tree down but Mr. Bloggs wanted to savor ever moment of the browning leaves and decaying trunk as his horrible horrible neighbors ran around completely befucked as to what is going on.
Here is what Mr. Bloggs finally did to finish off the green leafy fucker:
first – identify the offending tree and its major root systems
second – after finding the largest root or system of roots dig up around them to uncover their evil tenticle-esque ways
third – using a cordless battery operated power drill and a 1/2 inch or larger drill bit (for large trees – use a much smaller bit and many many more holes for smaller trees) – drill holes vertically into the root(s) but be sure that you don’t go all the way through. You need that last bit to hold in the *magic*.
fourth – pour in a whole bunch of super concentrated round up or ground clear (Mr. Bloggs has found that ground clear works really well). You can also completely soak the surrounding area so that the tree will absorb even more of the poison into its roots.
fifth – bury all the stuff again and let the poison do its *magic* on the evil evil tree. Since one well executed dose will probably be enough just make sure you don’t leave any trace of your handywork.
It takes about 2 days to start see the browning of leaves and thinning out of the tree in general – you should savor this time as your victory is already complete. There is no saving this tree. You have now successfully murdered a tree.
-Put as many holes as possible into the roots, the more poison that they ingest the better
-Do not put any holes into the trunk because they are not as effective and are way more noticable
-DO NOT GET CAUGHT IN THE ACT!
-Be sure there are no video cameras or anything else because as long as nobody catches you on film then there is really no evidence that you comitted any crime in any way shape or form. Even if people know the tree was maliciously murdered you can not be held accountable unless there is evidence to prove your guilt. One eyewitness is not sufficient evidence to go to court.
-If the total cost of the tree is under $7500 then it is a small claims court issue. This means that the police will not investigate in any way, it will be handled through civil matters (lawsuits etc).
-If people do start asking questions and pointing fingers DON’T PANIC! Simply wait until a formal accusation or lawsuit is filed. At this point simply get a lawyer to write a rebuttal letter stating that “you don’t know shit, and you didn’t do shit”. Without proof then there is no way this can proceed forward.
Good luck and happy tree killing!!!!!?!