How To: Kill a Tree

For legal purposes this blog will be written under the pen name of “Mr. Bloggs”

One day Mr. Bloggs woke up and realized that the tree that his neighbors loved and cherished was totally pissing him off.  Not only were the leaves falling onto his property but the roots were destroying his garden and the trunk itself was slowly pushing over his fence.  His wonderful view of downtown Bloggsville was blocked by the menacing horrible tree.  Mr. Bloggs was not a stupid man so he set about to try and deal with the problem like everyone else would, complain to the offending neighbors.  They were insensitive to his problems, told him that even though he watched them cook and eat and fuck and live through his window that the loving beautiful tree provided privacy.  It has been in their family for over 50 years, planted by their grandmother.  They were never going to get rid of it.

Well Mr. Bloggs was not giving up that easily.  He got on the internet and looked and looked until he finally decided that there was no good resource for how to kill a tree.  Especially completely undetected like he wanted to.  Most people simply cut the tree down but Mr. Bloggs wanted to savor ever moment of the browning leaves and decaying trunk as his horrible horrible neighbors ran around completely befucked as to what is going on.

Here is what Mr. Bloggs finally did to finish off the green leafy fucker:

first – identify the offending tree and its major root systems

second – after finding the largest root or system of roots dig up around them to uncover their evil tenticle-esque ways

third – using a cordless battery operated power drill and a 1/2 inch or larger drill bit (for large trees – use a much smaller bit and many many more holes for smaller trees) – drill holes vertically into the root(s) but be sure that you don’t go all the way through.  You need that last bit to hold in the *magic*.

fourth – pour in a whole bunch of super concentrated round up or ground clear (Mr. Bloggs has found that ground clear works really well).  You can also completely soak the surrounding area so that the tree will absorb even more of the poison into its roots.

fifth – bury all the stuff again and let the poison do its *magic* on the evil evil tree.  Since one well executed dose will probably be enough just make sure you don’t leave any trace of your handywork.

It takes about 2 days to start see the browning of leaves and thinning out of the tree in general – you should savor this time as your victory is already complete.  There is no saving this tree.  You have now successfully murdered a tree.

Mr. Bloggs final notes in closing:-One dose should be enough – but just do it right so you don’t have to come back and re-apply the poison.

-Put as many holes as possible into the roots, the more poison that they ingest the better

-Do not put any holes into the trunk because they are not as effective and are way more noticable

-DO NOT GET CAUGHT IN THE ACT!

-Be sure there are no video cameras or anything else because as long as nobody catches you on film then there is really no evidence that you comitted any crime in any way shape or form.  Even if people know the tree was maliciously murdered you can not be held accountable unless there is evidence to prove your guilt.  One eyewitness is not sufficient evidence to go to court.

-If the total cost of the tree is under $7500 then it is a small claims court issue.  This means that the police will not investigate in any way, it will be handled through civil matters (lawsuits etc).

-If people do start asking questions and pointing fingers DON’T PANIC!  Simply wait until a formal accusation or lawsuit is filed.  At this point simply get a lawyer to write a rebuttal letter stating that “you don’t know shit, and you didn’t do shit”.  Without proof then there is no way this can proceed forward.

Good luck and happy tree killing!!!!!?!

Comments

12 Responses to “How To: Kill a Tree”
  1. Redlaceboots says:

    Nice post. Only read it because of the stupid picture, but in return found it did me some good.

  2. Arbaches says:

    With Salt: Buy one quart Distilled Vinegar Strength 5% Volume, add Salt NaCl crystals till saturates, some crystals remain at bottom. Drill Holes and inject with syringes you can buy 3 for $2 at farm & Fleet. You have to inject every day 30 cc till 600cc or 2 Cups are consumed.
    With Caustic Soda: Buy Liquid 100% Lye at hardware store (Caustic Soda NaOH 50%), dilute 2-part water and 1 part Soda and inject same as salt.
    Herbicides: Concentrated 40% and up herbicides are expensive $50, but you can buy Round-Up one quart 25% concentrate for about $14. Inject every night during dry weather till consume 2 Cups.
    Cooper Sulphate CuSO4.5H2O can kill a tree but can be traced very easily. Depending on size of tree you have to consume up to a pound Cooper Sulphate, which is very heavy.
    Cooper Nail is a myth but cannot kill a tree.

  3. sponie says:

    Beltin advice.we exposed roots but covererd em up wiv patio,cant get to em or tree now,i lift fence up n go to work drillin 6mm holes in stump 5or6,then sprayed with creosote substitute…then added a few millilitres of roundup…concentreted..do i add this daily? + is it going to work…hope the fuka dies!! Piss on the neighbours chips..smarmy bstads..

  4. tree killer says:

    used same method with copper sulfate in the drilled holes of large exposed roots. Now the roots are falling in my yard (it was my tree). I wonder if the leaves are toxic to use in my gardens?>

  5. Nunya says:

    Would drilling the holes about 8 feet from the ground be effective? Holes near the ground might be conspicuous. We are talking about a 40+ foot Maple.

  6. TreeKillerWannaBe says:

    Can’t the roundup just be poured AROUND the base of the tree? Would that work?? I don’t have a drill…and I don’t want to be caught. The drill noise, would def call attention to my activity.

    Wouldn’t the roots eventually soak up that round up into the tree and kill it??
    Is round up the best thing to use, if all I can do, is pour stuff AROUND the base? Anything better?
    I have also heard to use “kosher salt”..

    • TreeKillerWannaBe says:

      it’s a B I G tree, too, should mention that.
      really big tree. An oak.

      Isn’t there SOMETHING that would kill it, just by being poured around the base of the tree?

  7. Good day! I know this is kind of off topic but I was
    wondering if you knew where I could find a captcha plugin for my comment form?
    I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having problems finding one?

    Thanks a lot!

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