Pregnant With Celestial Fire

Quick update here, my head is totally swimming this morning. You heal me to death, by Jen is an expression of frustration and disappointment in regards to less that honorable corporate practices of one of America’s largest drug companies. I also put up a gallery of photos from my trip to a dying coal town in west virginia in the freak show section. Hopefully I can get over this sickness and get some more going here before too long. Just as a reminder, this site is taking submissions. There are currently several other people working on articles for the site, so if you have any interest in making a submission just email me.

I just uploaded some fresh stuff into the thoughtcrime section.. its a point card for morons and non-arab speakers to communicate about bombs and stuff. Check it out here – IED

I woke from my daze of just sitting in my room today.  For some reason I’ve caught myself doing that a lot lately.  It all started when all my old roommates moved out and I got resupplied by a couple of lackluster madmen.  “Gooky” (short for some other asian sounding thing). meticulous, half Japanese, not really a complete idiot, but I fucking hate his guts.  His jokes are watered down, mainstream, pathetic.  He mutes all attempts at conversation to make himself utterly non offensive, basically a feeble attempt at embodying the lowest common denominator.  He likes to think of himself as ‘cool’ and ‘with it’ but he is just a lonely pathetic loser locked in an isolated world where only the other losers force out laughter to his lousy renditions of movie and tv quotes. “Tex” is an ok guy, a stocky southern dude running close to the end of his 2nd marriage.  I get along pretty good with Tex but in the context of our living conditions we don’t have a sincere connection on any level.  He is currently fucking the girl that lives down the hall, ‘Cowgirl’.. at the bar-b-que the other night I called her ‘Cowdumps’ (mostly because her painful diet of snickers bars and grilled cheese sandwiches helps maintain a large frumpy bulge around her hips and ass that mocks her breasts as her most prominent body feature) and somehow the name stuck. Tex spends a lot of nights down in her bed so its mostly Gooky and me.  The most annoying thing about Tex is his relationship with Cowdumps.  First of all he shit-canned his first marriage because of cheating – well that and the fact that marriage is a fundamentally flawed idea.  So he is living in this intricately constructed world of denial when confronted by the jeers, jokes, and accusations made by the rest of us here on camp about the fact that he’s fucking the cow.  The funny thing is that his cell phone is constantly beeping to alert of a new text message that she has just sent him.  No exaggeration he gets around 15-25 texts a day (depending on the amount of shit going on around base).  It really started to get on my nerves when im sitting in the room trying to read my book and the fucking thing beeps off every 5 god damned minutes.  Then this thick fingered southern fuck sits there and mashes down on number 5 thirteen times to get a capitol “J” to start the next sentence of his reply.  The dumpy hag is 20 meters from your goddamn position Tex, just go talk to the bitch!

I think Gooky is starting to suspect that I want to machine gun him because he’s been making these gun-shy half-attempts at being kind and magnanimous toward me.  I generally respond with detached bitterness while Tex turns Gooky ’s efforts into jagged counter attacks.

Bitch boy (gooky) “tex, don’t take that chair.  Don’t you think Misfit would like a chair?  Misfit would you like to sit in a chair too?”
Misfit “huh, what? no, im fine”
Tex “see bitch, he’s fucking fine, now get off my chair.”

Gooky also plays a lot of playstation 2 in our room.  Our room is the only one with a tv in it (aside from the MWR room [mwr = Morale, Welfare, and Recreation] that is) and the lonesome half-asian spends day and night trying to unlock new fucking cars on some ford sponsored racing game.  Then the asshole expects me to be equally excited when he finally finally gets to drive a purple and yellow 1957 ford police car in a race against other police cars or some fucking shit.

Gooky talking to the game “what are you doing, you can’t pull me over because I’m a police car too!”

Its enough to give me jaundice.

So where was i?  Oh yeah.. so I snapped out of my meditation and was walking around our compound looking for something to do when I saw this huge billowing smoke cloud coming right towards me from behind the motorpool.  For some reason I totally disregarded it and walked into the MWR room looking for my bro.  There was nobody watching tv, nobody on the internet, nobody in the gym, I felt like that last person on the planet for a few minutes until I found everyone laying on the roof conducting what we call “tan ops”… basically laying out in the sun.  The smell of smoke was strong from the roof and I didn’t want to interrupt anyone so I was walking back to my room when I bumped into cowdumps.  She was running in the opposite direction screaming on her radio that there was a huge fire behind the motorpool.  I walked down where the smoke was now a massive plume and stood there laughing while all the base security guys acted out there favorite scene to ‘backdraft’ in a battle against a small brush fire.  I counted 15 fire extinguishers and was nearly bowled over when gooky blasted past me carrying the end of a garden hose.  “Hit it!” he cried in his best imitation of a hero, cowdumps turned the water on full blast but not a drop came out.  I looked down at the hose that lay at my feet, half of it withered and useless as an old mans dick, the other half of it bulging and spraying a hundred little fountains from the myriad pinholes in the line, and there, right at my feet, lay the kink.  Cowdumps ran past me to supervise the spraying of the hose while 15 fire extinguishers fumigated the hillside in baking soda.  Desperate commands arose from all directions but over them all I heard the screeching desperation of gooky as his potential moment of glory slowly slipped away with the extinguished fire.  “there’s no water!  There’s no water!  Dammit there must be a kink in the line, somebody check the line! Somebody check the fucking line!?!?!s”  I looked down at the kink at my feet again, it would have only taken a small kick to break the kink free and release the flow of water through the hose, but for some reason I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  The fire was soon extinguished, the majority of the compound walked proudly back to the MWR room to tell each other of their own heroic perspective on the blaze.  The hose was never brought to bear on the fire.  It turned out that a welding spark had started the thing, I heard people accusing the local hires doing the welding of being enemy agents or some such bullshit.  I walked away from the kink to where the welders were standing looking forlorn and proclaimed loudly before all assembled that I had at one time welded my ass cheeks together.  I also admitted that it was my crack pipe that started the fire in the first place and they should leave the poor fuckers alone.  Everyone gave up their lynching for the internet – before the day would be done everybody’s wife, girlfriend, and kid would know that their dad was pulling kids from a burning church in iraq or some other equally insane exaggeration.  I just flip-flopped myself back to my room and went back to zoning out.

OK – I know you waited long I came across this little pamphlet the other day for communicating the location of IEDs with Iraqis w/o speaking a word of Arabic. You come across these strange things in places like this.. the best stuff comes from the psyops or maybe the civil affairs guys, they have the most funny and bizarre schoolbooks and pamphlets and fliers and you fucking name it. I thought I would just put the pix of this thing here so maybe peeps could get a chuckle about the graphics and shit. I’m gonna see if I can find any more stuff and maybe start a little section for that crap on here.. Anyway, enjoy this little gem. I would recommend zooming in on some of the stuff to get the most out of it, I was going to put giant images here that could be fully viewed but they were like 50 fucking megs so I was basically over it. If you want something in particular hit me up, I still got the flier and I can snap some more shots or whatever… CHECK OUT THE GALLERY HERE!

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