Sick as Shit

Well I’m sick, with fever, and the 120 degree heat is making it totally miserable. I’ve been watching MTV India non-stop for the past few days and it finally caught up with me last night. I had the most creepy fever dreams of all time. There was all this sitar and flute music and these people (that I couldn’t see) were shouting, talking, and whispering in Hindi . You know how fever dreams can get, half asleep, half awake, sweating, shivering, clawing at your sheets and yet unable to escape. The focus of my dream had to do with these strange dancing lawn gnomes that were dressed in traditional Indian dress. Just totally insane.

As a result of being sick I’ve been drinking grapefruit juice by the gallon. The whole camp is sick right now so there is no medicine left. Basically I’ve just tried to keep to myself and pound vitamins and juice, stick to cardio in the gym to sweat it out of me, and get as much rest as possible. I was walking out of the chow hall today with a full load of boxed grapefruit juices (one in each cargo pocket and two in each hand). Well this army colonel comes up to me and says, “hey, you can’t take those out of the chow hall. You are only supposed to drink 2 while you’re in there anyway and you have four.” I didn’t really have the energy to get into it with this idiot so I just lifted up my mitts, two yellow boxes of grapefruit juice in each hand, and said “well dude, i can’t Pac-Man my nipples if I don’t have four.” I then clamped the cold boxes Pac-Man style onto my nips and walked away. The dude had this look on his face like he just saw a fucking alien.. it was totally hilarious and I was laughing all the way back to my hooch – as they fucking say, laughter is the best medicine.

On top of all that shit, my air conditioning unit is about to cause me to go insane. The AC in my room is the only thing keeping me alive these days, but its absolutely fucked. Its some fucking haji brand air conditioner which means its totally crappy in every way. The most messed up thing about my AC is that it works solely by remote control. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem except that the goddamn thing picks up every infared signal for a hundred miles including every single electronic device in my room. This means that while I am in my room I have to keep the remote at my hip at all times so that when the TV or my electric guitar or my wireless internet or the fucking microwave or whatever affects the goddamn thing I can quickly switch it back. I’ve come so adept at switching it that I can now do it in my sleep. This has also affected the way I do everything else in my room. I have to play my guitar nearly out the door, I hold the TV remote conceiled behind my hand or body, and when I’m on the internet I basically have to just keep the bloody thing in my hand the whole time. I’ve even tried covering the sensor with duct tape but nothing seems to work. I’ve come back from missions to find my room hotter than the outside air as well as colded than a meat locker. The AC beeps too, when a setting is changed, and now the sound of that little beep seems to come just as I start to relax and unwind. . Its like having acid splashed in my eyes. I’m gonna smash that fucking thing.

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