“The Death Dealer For Dicks”

I’ve been lauging my ass off all day today. My buddy Jimmy over here had some unfortunate shit happen to him and even though I feel bad that the dude is fucked up I can’t help but laugh my ass off about it.

So.. Iraq.. no girls right. Well Jimmy’s been here for like 3 months already and after that long you really start to miss things – like sex. Anyway, the dude was jacking off the other day and one of the other dudes here, a big ex-marine nicknamed ‘Yogi’, told him to use one of these latex gloves from medical. So Jimmy, being the good hearted and soft spoken guy that he is grabbed a glove and some moisturizing body wash and went to town on himself. Well I guess what happened was that instead of taking care of business in the shower where you can just wash all that shit away easily he did it in the privacy of his own room. The only problem was that after he was all finished up his wife called and by the time he finally got to the shower the soap was caked and dried on his ding-dong. The next day the dude wakes up with a really sore and chemically burnt dick.

Jimmy’s fucked-up dick quote list 5550:

- Oh gawd, I just looked at it and I scarrud myself.

- It looks like its made out of dinosaur skin.

- I think my willy got caught in a fire.

- It’s all hard and crinkled up, it looks like a burnt little ‘ol hotdog.

- Oh gawd, it’s starting to shed it’s skin like a true snake.

- I’m gonna wake up in the morning and thurs gonna be a snakeskin sitting next to my bed.

- It looks like a dead worm.

- This is worse than when I snapped that vein and it shriveled up and got all hard in there like a twig.

- I wish you guys could see this but I’m too embarrassed to show you, maybe I could take a picture of it and you could look at that.

- Dude, you know most folks would be scarrud if they woke up next to a snake skin. Imagine if my son found it and took it to show and tell.

I think there were probably other things that I just can’t remember at the moment. Anyway, hopefully everyone can get a good laugh at poor Jimmy’s misfortune and maybe learn a lesson at the same time. I’ll leave you all with just this one last quote. This is what he told me when I walked into his room and picked up the notorious body wash:

- There it is boy! That stuff’s the death dealer for dicks! It’s like jerking off with battery acid!

On a side note, myself Lorcan and Jimmy damn near died laughing when we read the fucking instructions.. what the fuck is a “pouf” anyway!

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