Titty Fuck Francie
Well I’m a total fucking idiot. Yeah, I know, big surprise. So I’m here in Iraq trying to work on the fucking site in my new and glorious free time and because the internet is totally shitty and sporadic as well as the fact that the power grid here in Baghdad goes up and down all the fucking time coupled with the problems of my stupid laptop continually overheating, I somehow deleted the index.shtml file off the site and then also somehow blanked out the file on my computer hard drive.
So what can I fucking do about this fucked up situation? Well.. I don’t exactly know.. FUCK! ok.. heres the plan, I’m gonna blast up all the site pix and rehash all the silly drama that I puked all over everyones faces for the past 2 weeks and hopefully this will be the only time I have to unfuck a stupid mistake that I make on here (but don’t hold your fucking breath).
Veja Du (do you ever get the feeling that you fucked up all over again?): I’m back in Iraq.. big surprise again. I smashed up two little parts about it…
REGURGITATRO (the semi-intelligible last remarks before deploying)
Iraq (The Movie) Part III: “This time its personal” (this is the piece-meal bullshit excuse for an update about my travels back to the sandbox)
I made a new batch of shirts.
chorus, “Go go go!”
yeah fuck off.. so these new rebel shirts were my lackluster response to this site being “banned in iraq“. I posted the previous update sometime last month I think.. I don’t remember exactly. whatever.
So I did make an offer to give out a bunch of these little bastards but it turns out I got so busy with preparing for deployment that I totally flaked out on everyone.. sorry everyone, I suck.
The shirts themselves actually camp out pretty good. they depict one korean dude holding an axe with a big grin on his face as another korean dude holds the (freshly removed) head of a suspected north korean infiltrator. below the image it reads “banned in iraq” with a triple “slavenation.com” on the right side.
If you want one then just email me and take a number, its gonna be months before im back in the states and able to press out some more.
In other news BT Dumps recently emailed me this album cover to the new Los Hedores CD.. Before this deployment is over I will upload a video of me playing acoustic / singing the song “titty fuckin’ francie” just so all you junkies can get your fix.
What is it with these 3rd world scumbags that Blackwater “an unnamed contracting company” is constantly hiring? I know I know, they are cheap fodder for the machine over here but what the fuck guys? I worked with the Chileans when those original contracts came down at the begninning of last year. I guess that fucker Pizarro worked out some deal to run a bunch of Chilean military dudes up through a quick train-up then launch their asses straight into Iraq. A buddy of mine was doing a lot of the coordination work down there before they actually got on board an aircraft and even then he was not impressed. Anyway, the deal went through and BW sent these fuckers over there en-masse. They only get paid a fraction of what the US guys get paid and despite promises that every stinking one of them would be able to speak english only about 1% could actually cough up a full sentence. The whole deal was pretty much total horseshit but it filled the holes just enough for things to work. 
Hey, I learned some rudimentary spanish out of the whole deal so I guess thats turning a frown upside down. Some of those chili-dogs were good guys – hard working – honest to a degree, I made a bunch of friends, but in general and taken as a whole the chilenos were an undisciplined, thieving (and these fuckers will steal and scam and rip you off in any way possible), lying, bickering pack of real scumbags.
That Pizarro fucker was a real piece of shit. I guess he had a lot of shit to work with so can I really blame him.. I dunno.. But he was totally out for himself in the deal and really only cared about making a bunch of cash off the backs of the Chilean mercs he hired. He would really fuck those guys over too.. he would not pay them what he was being paid to pay them / what he promised to pay them, he would pay them way late so that he could earn interest off their money before he handed it over, he fucked with the term of their deployment and never came through on promises like spending cash and phone cards, all kinds of shit.. This guy was supposedly the liason for all the Chileans but he basically just hung them all out to dry. I heard more than one death threat on that dude on more than one occasion. He came down to the site one day when I was running a shooting range for all the guys to re-confirm their weapons. Pizarro didn’t seem like such a bad guy but he definitely had a pompous attitude that dripped with his own sense of superiority. According to rumors the guy had been a marine then got out and came into a truckload of cash. Now he was attempting to fashion himself into some kind of politically important leader of a mercenary army down in Chile. This was completely appropriate in light of the fact that most of the troops he hired were at one time employed by the Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet.
You know, Blackwater “the company” took a lot of heat over the employment of those Chilean fucks.. you’d think they would have learned their lesson..
Anyway, I got totally sidetracked there. I came over this time and find that BW is in the final stages of phasing out all the chili-dogs with a slow but steady stream of Colombian soldiers. These guys talk a lot of shit on the chilenos but I’m willing to bet that they turn out to be just as big a mess. Chile.. Colombia.. Whats the fucking difference? Yeah I know, we’ve been working with the Colombo’s for years to fight off the FARQ and everything else… Whatever… So on the contract I’m working now BW has hired a grip of these dumb Jordanians for their Baghdad site. I can remember back to some old teamguy stories about training dumb Jordanians during deployments and shit. How they were lazy and late and cowardly and generally didn’t give a fuck about anything except male on male fucky-sucky (and worse). Well the Jordo’s that BW got have done nothing to dispel this presumption. These guys are nothing but a pack of lazy, dirty, stinking, fuck-ups. As soon as they moved into their bunkhouse they immediately started pissing in the corners and fucking each other up the ass. So many of these guys are being treated daily for ass STDs that the team leaders are considering just firing the whole lot just to clean up the camp, not to mention that they are constantly falling asleep on watch and creating problems with the few loyal Iraqi security guards that BW has acquired. The only reason these shitbags even have a job is because Blackwater “the company” was trying to look good in the eyes of King Abdullah II (the king of Jordan). Apparently Blackwater “the company” was trying to set up a training compound in that country that would not only serve as a training center for Jordanians but also as a permanent fixture in their hegemony over contracting jobs in Iraq. Well the whole deal fell through but we’re still stuck with the dumb Jordanians. Fucking great.
On a more flattering note I was told that while I slept in my bunk one night last week a Jordanian abandoned his watch to peer into my window and jerk off to the image of my sleeping body. He was caught by one of the watch supervisors, reprimanded, and the story later relayed to me. The dude should consider himself very lucky, had I awakened and discovered him I would have shot him in the face right then and there. So at least I got that going for me.
Myself and another dude “Leroy” were assigned to our final duty station over here, a small town called Erbil in the north. Since there was no BW or military flights up there we had to catch a ride with Iraqi Airways, good fucking luck! We were the first two people in line to pay for our tickets, we pay, and then get hit up with the astronomical amount of 350$ for the extra weight of our luggage and I knew something was rotten in Denmark. So here is how these dirty fuckers try to scam you. According to Iraqi Airways regulations you are allowed 20 kg of baggage, anything over that will cost you 5$ per kg. Well 1 kg is 2.2 pounds so 20 kg is 44 lbs. Anyway, with all the stuff you have to carry everybody is always over 20 kg. This is not an exact science though, remember – we’re in the middle east here, these fuckers like to haggle over everything and they’re all a bunch of thieving fucks. So when everybody is over the weight limit the assessor will come down with the verdict (some huge amount of money) and then you are forced to haggle that piece of shit down to a reasonable amount so that you aren’t totally ass-raped paying 350$ extra on top of a 60$ ticket. Well I haggled the prick from $350 down to $7, don’t ask me how we got to that number, we paid up and carried on. The fucked up thing is that the rule is an instituted part of their bribery/blackmarket/bullshit that has somehow worked a niche for itself in what most would consider a “legitimate” business (comparatively)..
Anyhow, lucky for us that we showed up so early because good old Iraqi Airways slightly overbooked the flight by about 60 fucking people. We waited around for hours while a dust storm cleared out then waited in line to be screened then finally boarded a bus that would drive us out to our flight only to be turned around and taken back to the terminal. It was a fucking madhouse. When we stopped at the aircraft to let passengers board there were two armed guards there who only let about 15 people go up the gangplank until they crossed rifles and said “no more” (in Arabic). Well Leroy and I had no fucking clue what was going on but when that dude said “no more” the 60 savages left in the bus went totally ape-shit. The airport personnel had the bus driver close the doors but these people were in fully fledged riot mode. They were climbing all over each other, screaming, fighting, beating on the doors and windows, some people even climbed out the windows and made a mad dash for the plane before they were tackled by the guards as they ascended the stairs to board. The whole time Leroy and I were sitting in the back of the bus laughing and saying to each other, “dude…this is not good”. So we walked back into the terminal feeling defeated, sat down and watched our luggage take off and fly away.
Later that day we threatened our way onto what the Iraqi Air people called a “special flight” leaving for Erbil on the following day. I didn’t think much of it until we sat down on a large roomy aircraft with only about 5 other people on it. The rest of the seats were completely empty. I was just starting to piece together the irony of a small full aircraft one day and a large empty one the next when we touched down in Erbil. The next thing I know there are Kurdish bodyguards wearing black suits rushing onboard and a TV newscrew rolling video as Leroy and I hop down the stairs. I guess the 5 other people on the flight happen to be rich or political or famous or something because they were swarmed by a whirlwind of press and muscle then quickly whisked away. I did think it strange that the Kurdish girl sitting across from me spoke absolutely perfect English with an English accent. Regardless, we reclaimed our once lost baggage and hitched a ride over to our new man-camp.
So that about gets everyone up to date. Erbil looks like its gonna be a real good deal, I’m thinking I may want to ride this horse as far as it goes. I snapped a few pix when I went into town to but a couple shirts.. I slapped that shit up here for all to enjoy……………….. We call that the old ‘snap and slap technique’. later!
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