“Kiwidumps”
Kiwi and I finally beat GTA: San Andreas today… big life goal accomplished, I know, but that game is pretty cool. It’s tough to follow through with something that has so much instant gratification value built into just going around and doing stuff. Kiwi is so good at the cheat codes that he can blast out whatever he needs, matrix style, totally unconsciously.. Example: he is running down the street, wants a shotgun *poof* shotgun appears in his hand and he blows some taxicab driver’s head off… the cops start chasing him *poof* a racecar falls from the sky and he gets in.. his car gets all smashed up and blows up, he’s hurt and running away, a moment from death *poof* full health, full body armor and $250,000.00 cash… he wasts to get to a new area *poof* a helicopter falls from the sky and he flies away.. the cops are still pissed off and wanna kill him *poof* they instantly forget about him completely and he’s off to a new instant gratification adventure.
So aside from beating a video game this morning Kiwi and I ranted for about 30 minutes about all this shit that pisses us off.. The funny thing is that Kiwi is already an angry person, I mean, he goes from totally normal (an already eleveted level of rage from that of most people) to completely psychotic in about 2.5 seconds. We can be talking about how somebody’s dad did something that pissed them off and then he will jump in with a statement like “FUCKING FAMILIES!!! THEY NEED TO ALL BE TAKEN OUT AND FUCKING EXECUTED!!!” another example is like when Kiwi got into an arguement with his taxi driver the other day coming back from the airport and then rants for 45 minutes about taxi drivers then spends the rest of the night drinking beer and committing cold-blooded murder on every taxi driver in GTA.. let me paint the scene a little bit:
I walk into the living room. The room is totally dark except for the strobing blasts of television light. The twisting shadows make freakish figures on the walls and floor. I see Kiwi sitting perched on the edge of the couch playing Grand Theft Auto with eyes glowing and an evil contorted expression on his face that lies halfway between complete rage and complete elation. I say “hey dude, whats up?” but get no reply.. he is completely absorbed in the game. I watch the television screen as his character slowly walks up to the side of a parked taxi cab. His character draws a silenced pistol and takes excrutiatingly careful aim directly at the center of the taxi drivers head. I realize the volume on the TV is on full blast when the silenced blast of the pistol nearly knocks me over. Then Kiwi erupts into meniacal laughter and whispers “Die you fucking Punjaabi” under his breath. This scenario is then repeated over and over and over and over again for the next 3 or 4 hours until he goes to bed.
Most of the time this is pretty funny stuff.. I mean, when someone react so extremely to situations the only thing you can do is really laugh about it. The even funnier thing is that he will make a statement like “I wanna murder all fucking officers” and you will laugh and fuck with him a little bit and then quietly, to himself, you will occasionally hear him say under his breath “I’ll fucking do it too, nobody thinks I will but one day they’ll piss me off and I’ll fucking do it.” and then you laugh even harder.
So.. I suppose mostly in honor of my buddy Kiwi and his boundless rage and frustration here is the…
Fuck the world rant list 9000:
- gays on t.v. – Ok.. what the fuck? Who fucking cares who fucks who’s ass and who is eating out who’s pussy.. I don’t care.. gays, straights, bi’s.. I mean you can fuck the stabwound in a dead camel for all I care.. but it seems like these days that ‘gay’ has become an inseperable part of television culture simply because of the ‘gayness’ of it. Ok, granted, every scenario on TV is totally contrived and stupid and makes you stupid just watching and laughing at it.. but nobody gives a shit about a tv show that has people redecorating a bedroom until you add in a gay dude that makes the show worth watching all of a sudden simply because the fucker is flaming. Really I don’t care what’s on tv, I don’t watch that much anyway, but when every show under the sun is adding a gay dude just to make ratings or something it gets a little too much for this cowboy. In the end, if it makes the tv people money, that’s probably the only thing that matters.. but it definately doesn’t go very far at eliminating gay stereotypes. Imagine if every show added a black dude acting like a fucking sambo.. hey whatever..
- U2 – Bono, quit your whining and shut the fuck up.. I’m fucking sick of it!
- Metallica – I think the real metallica band members died in a plane crash years ago and then were replaced by music industry pod-people. Fellas, I don’t care how cool you shit was back in the 80′s, it’s time to just go the fuck away forever. This whole “no dude, their newest album is good dude, it’s like their old stuff” HORSESHIT has got to end too.. I mean, you can be a fan of somebody and their product but when they stop producing you can’t still try and prove to me that they are kickass.. just fuck off you idiots!
Angry Blacks – Hey assholes, I did not make you slaves.. I did not pay you less for the same job or call you ‘nigger’.. I did not try and steal your culture by listening to Eazy-E, I listened to it because the hate and the message is kick-ass.. I do not discriminate against you.. just let it go, I don’t fucking care. I have black, white, brown, orange friends…fuck.. I’d have green friends too.. it doesn’t matter.. you are not picking cotton now, your parents weren’t picking cotton, your grandparents weren’t picking cotton.. Women only got the right to vote when the 19th amendment was passed in 1920. You’ve got BET.. there’s no fucking WET c’mon.. let it go and lets go get drunk.
Pop Punk – Attention to all you 15 year old tattoo’d spikey haired 3 chord playing whitekid wanna-be toughguy assholes on mtv: YOU ARE NOT PUNK! you fucking SUCK.. all your music sounds exactly the same and there is no emotion or meaning to any of it. Yes, you are getting paid millions of dollars to be a cute, antiseptic, ‘alternative’ means of revenue for the record companies but you are just cookie-cutter FUCKWADS that are only imitating the trappings and image of the real punks and doing a disservice to them in the process. Please, hang up the mohawks and just fuck off.
MTV: not with a bang but a whimper.. Ted Turner should be shot for this cultural hate-crime.
old people – Slow driving, pointless story telling, sour smelling, ankle swelling, nitpick everything because you’ve got nothing else to do with yourself (uh… wait a minute), waste of oxygen. Look, unless you have a cool story about ww2 or korea or vietnam you are useless and a hinderance. nobody cares what crap you’ve got collected. nobody cares about your grandchildren. nobody cares about anything – don’t you get it. just go off and die so the rest of us can be happy.
Married Couples – Ok… I forget why everyone is supposed to hate you.. I think this may be an example of Kiwi getting carried away.. anyway, married couples.. I’m gonna let you slide this time but don’t let it happen again.
Reality TV – Why are you so addicting? Everyone knows that you are pre-planned and scripted and fake.. its like watching pro wrestling in the 80′s when my idiot friend Albert down the street tried to convince me that “even though its fake.. its real” then citing examples of wrestlers using razor blades and all sorts of other bullshit. Please stop taking over planet earth, I don’t like you anymore.
France – Fuck you France, you are always on the list. What the fuck have you ever done? Answer: NOTHING! You are fucking worthless.
Muslims – I think we need a good virus here. An airborne version of EBOLA that is somehow spread globally in one day. This virus, I think we should call it FUCKMUSLIMVIRAE or “the happy ending virus” and it should only affect Muslims. C’mon CIA, we need results here people, you’re already being blamed for AIDS.. might as well do something that will really get things going.
Mexican Drivers – No not ALL Mexican drivers.. the ones I’m talking about are you motherfuckers with the “BC” (Baja California) license plates.. yeah, you assholes that dont have US drivers licenses or insurance or 2 working braincells. Yeah, you motherfucking assholes who drive slow, fuck up regularly, blow off every traffic rule. Yes you fucking idiots!!! Here in America those lights hanging from poles that turn red yellow and green actually mean something.. Oh yeah, you know that little thing on the side of your steering wheel that makes the little arrows flash on either the left or the right.. well that thing is a turn signal.. it actually is used to notify other drivers of your intentions so that you don’t fucking cut everyone off when making a left turn from the right lane of traffic you god-damned morons. I know you don’t understand what I’m saying even if you did see this rant, I know this because when everyone is yelling at you for fucking up while driving you are totally oblivious and most likely don’t even speak english anyway.
ATM Fees – Hello!?!? Its MY fucking money, right? WTF YOU ASSHOLES!?!?!?! I’m getting charged by the atm AND my bank.. so that on a ‘quick cash’ transaction on average I’m paying 1.50$ to the ATM, and another 1$ to my back.. that’s 2.50$ for 40$??! That’s 6.25% of my cash just to get it back in my hands.
The price of coffee / The price of bottled water – dude, bottled water and a cup of coffee cost more than alcohol. Three dollars for a cup of coffee? Its just ground up beans and water.. how is that possible? Something is seriously wrong here.
Media/News/Paparazzi – It’s all lies, just shut the fuck up you shitbags. Quit freaking everyone out and wasting my time. Oh yeah, paparazzi.. go home and rethink your existence. Quit pestering celebs and crap you know you’re acting like a prick.. just leave those fuckers alone. Its because of you people that celebs think that people should pay attention to their political views, you know all they do for a living is pretend to be stuff in front of a camera. Yeah, make believe, I don’t want to hear or think what somebody that plays ‘make believe’ for a living thinks about world affairs. Don’t you remember in high school those drama club motherfuckers? Do you really want to sit around and spend the precious few moments of your life listening to what they think is important?
Cell Phones – I love you cell phones *SMASH*.
ok.. i think we covered just about every demographic with this one.. vote for me… the “fuck everything” candidate. (kiwi can be my vp – imagine that dude with nukes under his control in the war room.. ahhahahahahaha fun!)
- “My name is Kiwi and I’m going to kill you!”
Popularity: 3% [?]
Related posts:
