24H Fitness Freaks
Attention 24H Fitness in Hillcrest people… STOP THE MADNESS! Noah and I decided today that things had progressed from bad to worse to worser to worstest in a very short time. When we first started going to the Hillcrest 24H fitness when we got back from Iraq we had a feeling that it was going to be a unique experience. Both of us had already seen the best and worst that gyms have to offer over the years and the thought of a gym in downtown Hillcrest (a highly homosexual area of san diego) only fed into our uncertainty. We both lived right around the corner so the proximity made the gym an obvious choice.. but boy were we wrong.
For the first month or so things were going fine, I mean, nothing significant aside from the occasional pick-up line from one of the gay blades in there working out. Getting hit on by gay dudes has gotta be my #1 passtime in the gym (and my least favorite). Back in the 90′s there was less prolific gay activity and you saw a lot less of it in the gym. Nowadays since gayness has almost become chic or cool to such an extent that straight people are being gay just for the attention or whatever, the level of gayness in the gyms has skyrocketed. So these days I totally expect to get hit on or stared at or talked about openly by gay men working out in the gym. I’m not against gay people, and I’m not against meeting people in the gym, but recently it is getting more and more so that I’m like throwing elbows and headbutts just to move from one machine to another. I know that these guys aren’t being offensive or mean or hateful in any way, but it just wears a little thin getting pinched and touched and poked at all the time when I’m just trying to get my workout done. Sometimes it’s almost flattering like when I get nice compliments, sometimes it’s uncomfortable when they come up and run their fingers over my tattoos and say “whoooooo”, sometimes its downright creepy when some big nasty dude with a lisp pinches my ass and calls me a “cute little muscle boy”. Those are throwdown offenses.
Noah and I talked today about how they are just getting bolder and bolder in their attempts, but attempts at what? Another friend told me the other day “dude, they’re not try to hit on you, they’re trying to convert you”.. I’m like.. “dude..!?!… convert me to what?” When we first started working out there we could easly get over seeing sweaty dudes kiss and hug and give little back rubs to each other. That shit is really no big deal when your focus is your workout. Everybody is looking at everyone else in the gym too, who cares, you like girls – you look at girls – you evaluate them and size them up and talk about them with your friends.. same thing for dudes. That’s just what people do, so you just gotta get over people staring and talking about you, that’s just the way it is.. you;re probably doing the same damn thing right back at those fuckers. But when we are in the gym, even moreso when we end up working out alone, lately it is just like a fucking pick-up fest. I feel like a blonde girl at a construction site or a little cute fella in a prison shower sometimes. The experience has not been completely negative either. I have met some nice people and even had to re-evaluate my own stereotypes a bit. I have basically been forced to come to the conclusion that everyone is gay until proven otherwise. This must be the same logic that the gay dudes are using on me. It really seems like everyone in that gym is gay and there is no real way to tell right off the bat. Not all gay men are well groomed, in shape, stylish, and charming. Some gay men look like 300lb hairy, smelly, long-haul truckers with bad manners and zero grooming and a look on their face like they ate barbed wire and dogshit for breakfast. You only realize that these fuckers are gay when they walk past another long-haul trucker dude that they know and start giggling and poking at each other and say “happy birthday!!!” in a shrill and lispy tone with a little hug (with lots of back-pats) that can only mean one thing. This in no way is gay-bashing, but it’s just a bit of a culture shock for a straight dude from Orange County. I thought I was broken in too, I mean hell.. theres gay people in my family.. but, well, whatever.
So to celebrate the unique and varied life on this planet I will share with all who read this web site the list of people who have been unique enough to earn nicknames from Noah and me at the 24H Fitness in Hillcrest. These are by no means the weirdest or most fucked up people that we have encountered in gyms, but they are the only ones we got right now. These people are probably all really cool and would be fun to hang out with, the few we have actually spoken with were nothing but nice, but we’re not in the business of extolling the boring cookie-cutter lives of people who just do what they are supposed to.. so here you go.
Hillcrest 24H Fitness List 235:
“Blaster” – This is a really skinny girl who only works out on the stair climber or “ellipti-trainer” (which is her favorite from what we can tell). She works out hard, in fact she works out SUPER fucking hard. Dudes, this chick works out so goddamn hard that she doesn’t even give a fuck what the hell she looks like when she is flopping all over the running maching. Her head and body and arms are totally flipping and flopping all over the place while she sweats away on her turbo workout. I gotta give it to her, I don’t want to push it on the ellipti-trainer nearly as hard as she does, but dude, it looks super ridiculous when she transforms into “blaster-mode” and starts flipping out like crazy. Hence the name… “Blaster”
“Fly-by” – This is the picturesque television gay dude. He is tan, very fit, extremely well groomed, stylish, etc… He looks like he just walked off the set to some gay tv sitcom or something. He is also very shy, but in a weird kind of a way. With the people he knows in the gym he has no problem going right up to them and talking or whatever, but with people he doesn’t (namely Noah and myself) who he wants to meet or start talking to or whatever he just does these little ‘fly-bys’. A fly-by is where he will be working out somewhere else and then go walking right past you super close like 5 or 6 times when you are working on a maching while staring at you the whole time. I totally imagine to myself this little buzzing airplane noise when he flies by. On a more extreme note he actually “landed” right next to me one time when I was doing my incline bench press and put one of those big 3 foot in diameter red rubber balls on the gound, layed back on it put his hands behind his head and proceeded to do these pelvic thrusts while staring at me the entire time. In my mind I was just like “d000d! what the fucking FUCK!?”
“Pipsqueak” – This is the most annoying little dude in the gym. He is gay, but that really has nothing to do with how he got his name or why he is on this list. This little dude is like a short skinny Screech Powers. He makes these screechy comments all loud and annoying and goes around slapping dudes and acting super melodramatic. The worst thing is that god-damned voice. Especially coming out of that little skinny body, he is just like this little annoying gay alfred e. newman / screech powers gym dude who drives Noah and me up the wall when he really starts in with his shit.
“Blonde Chyna” – Every gym has one. A super muscled big-ass beefcake of a girl who looks like she is either a body builder on steroids or a professional wrestler. I’ve actually talked a little bit to her and she is really cool but a 250lb blonde chick who could beat me to death with my own arm definately earns a spot on this list.
“Crop-top” – This is an extremely cut black dude. He has really kick-ass abs that he obviously is very proud of. We know this because he only wears these super tight like junior high girl’s crop tops to show them off all the time. These shirts are totally fucking hilarious. I mean, a tall, super-ripped black dude with a uber-tight crop top on.. damn.. the thing looks like a fucking sports bra for fuck’s sake.
“Hole Gazer” – This is the weirdest of the weird. The first sighting was when Noah and I were nearly passing out on the stair climbers one day and I happen to look over to the far corner of the room where I witnessed the horror that is “Hole Gazer”. We almost lost our shit laughing when I pointed it out to Noah. This dude, god.. it’s almost to crazy to describe. H.G. was over in the far corner laying on his back with his legs like folded into his chest like he was doing a cannnonball off a diving board except he was just looking right at his fucking asshole in the mirror. All the walls in the gym are mirrored and this dude found a spot, went over there, got into cannonball position, and spent at least 25 minutes looking right up his own stink-hole. THe guy didn’t look like he worked out much, very pasty skin and overweight (but not hugely fat) wearing circa 1985 workout clothes just gazing into his own bung. There have been a few confirmed sightings of Hole Gazer since that fateful day but none as disturbing as that first horrific encounter.
There will be more strange people that may seem worthy of this list in the future but that’s it for now. On a more somber note Kiwidumps and me both heard a bum slow knife a dog around 11:30 last night. The term “slow-knife” was invented following the scene from the movie ‘saving private ryan’ where that nazi dude slowly shoves that long bayonet into that other guy’s chest while saying “shhh” “shhh” “shh and die juden” or whatever he says. The term was first used by kiwi when describing what he would like to do to a guy we worked with us in our last platoon. So there you have it.
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