Haircut Compromise

Days to go: 14

I know you have all been wondering ‘what the fuck are those guys gonna do about those haircuts’? Well the answer is.. duh duh duh daaaah

We got haircuts.

I know I know, call off the revolution, we got fucking haircuts. Noah and I were walking across camp yesterday and out of nowhere both looked at each other and shared the look that says ‘dude…’ and ‘buddy, I know’. Its not worth it to fuck off this good pay for one asshole. There is one thing I’ve learned through the military and being a fucking dirtbag in general and that is that the power tripping assholes thrive on this shit. The fucking bastard cops and prick officers and shit bag bosses of planet earth all live for the day when somebody fulfulls their twisted little fantasy. Their starving egos look for people that they can confront over some stupid and trivial issue that their fucked up brains makes them believe they have the moral or legal high ground on. A half-assed salute, a stop sign ignored, an extra 5 minutes on your break. Then they push and push and push and push and push until they force the issue to it’s crisis. Then when cause finally high-fives effect and you smash their face into the ground with the fury of an exploding volcano… they win. Their fantasy is fulfilled, their efforts gain validation, their dreams all become realized. These fuckers only actualize through the feedback of the petty disturbances they cause to the rest of us. They are like bizarro Jesuses who betray their disciples and can’t god-damned wait to be fucking martyrs.

Sometimes I think I was either born in the wrong time or place or dimention or something. Usually I think this because I see myself thinking and doing shit that nobody else has any interest or idea about, but in this case it has to do with more the structure of this world than anything else. How the fuck do I live in a world run by idiots and assholes? And it’s like they all know each other, like theres this secret asshole club where all the assholes hang out and talk shit on the regular people just trying to get by and figure things out on their own in this fucking strange existence.

Well, despite the fact that we bowed down to bullshit the haircuts were totally an experience. I don’t know how many people have been to either India, Pakistan, Asia, or the Filipines but these are the people who give good fucking haircuts. Ok, gay dudes in the US actually give the best haircuts anywhere (and are the best tippers aside from drunks), but overseas you gotta go with one of the aforementioned peoples. They move like fucking lighting and do you up like a champ. I got an extremely specific haircut and a 15 minute massage for 3 bucks! This little Indian dude was like a haircut ninja. He only stood about 4 feet tall but dude was like 85 pounds of twisted iron. It was a flurry of little brown hands. He was smacking shit around, popping the scissors on the comb, precision striking individual strands of hair, he was a fucking haircut sniper. He mussed me up, cleaned me off, a quick flash of silver as the scissors came in again, then he was beating on my head like a fucking coconut. It was like having a baby with strong hands play the bongos on your head. Head massage, back rub, shoulder and arm massage. This dude had this crazy ass technique of popping his hands on your head. I was watching closely as he smacked it out on some other people, he actually had like three different techniques, like head bongo kung-fu. He was a Shaolin Kung-Fu haircut master, 10th degree. Both Noah and myself thought it was the weirdest coolest thing in town afterwards.

One final note. Robbie confronted me in the hallway of the main office. Robbie is Dale’s assistant, I don’t know much about her except that she’s pretty short (like 5’2″) and she always smells like pechulie. Apparently she had somehow become aware that Noah and I were fighting a two man vengence quest against the haircut nazi and she had a suggestion. She said that we should just tell Dale that we’re Sihks (you know, those smelly Indian dudes that never bathe or cut their hair ever and wear traditional headdresses and have those little curved ceremonial daggers in their belts.. I had one as a next door neighbor in college). I told her that even though I didn’t think that wouldn’t work that I liked where she was coming from. Somehow we came up with the idea that she start making comments like “boy, X and Y are sure sexy looking guys. I really like their hair, I don’t know why.” undercover like whenever Dale is around. The plan, obviously, is to drive the fucker completely insane. Ill keep you posted on how this all works out.

So.. Thats about it for this episode kids, be sure to tune in again next time. Same bat time, same bat station.

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