This whole dirty business started about five years ago. I was living in San Diego going through BUD/s training at the time and in short I was a different person. I was a much younger, more polite, and generally more considerate person than I am today. It was a carefree time for a young BUD/s student, and in general it was a carefree time for America as well. The twin towers were still standing tall and I had yet to eat my own guts in two seperate wars. Most of our weekly routine while in training was to get hammered by the instructors all week and then follow it up with a good solid weekend of hard drinking and hellraising. A fit, young, and attractive BUD/s student needed but wind back and swing a fisted hand and you would hit at least ten fine Southern California girls. Well, those of you who know anything at all, know for certain that there are two things in this world that you can be sure of. 1) that no woman stays true during your overseas deployment (sorry to break it to ya), and 2) that if there is some way to totally make a complete jackass out of yourself while drunk – I’ve already done it…. twice!

So in the spirit of the one and only piece of advice that a goofy, goon-squad, f.n.g. could have ever given to his SEAL Team platoon mates in times of utter desperation… I proudly present to you “Sneak -a- Cheek”

It’s happen to everybody at one time or another. The fucking goddamn shits. Some people call it the hershy squirts, I call it fiery liquid squirts. And it only truly strikes when you are either trying to make a good first impression or just waking up on the morning after. I can remember the first time I got really mud-sucked by a case of fiery liquid squirts. I was at my girlfriend’s house when I was in highschool. Maybe this was the event that scarred me for life, traumatized me beyond the hope of one day being F.L.S. free and unembarrassed into the heavenly hereafter. I had just shook hands and sat down on the couch. Of course I was already stressed out by the simple fact that in the back of my mind I kept thinking “dude, this is the mom of the girl you’ve been fucking”. So she looks me up and down, scrutinizing, evaluating, and I could feel her icy derisive gaze look right through me as a chill ran down my spine. Maybe it was something I ate, maybe it was the stress, maybe it was that lone trickle of sweat that ran down the side of my head that somehow triggered this ungodly physical response. Hell, the reason may never be known. Somewhere deep down I almost think that evil witch put a hex on me right then and there. But whatever the cause it didn’t matter because at that moment my entire body and soul were overcome with the need to shit my guts out.

I politely excused myself and hurried off to the bathroom. By the time I had closed and locked the door I was starting to sweat and fumbled with panic-stricken fingers at my belt and pants. Ripping them down just in time I sat on the cool seat and blasted away full throttle. I imagine the two of them, my girlfriend and her mom, sitting in the other room talking about tea and cupcakes and shit like that when they are awakened unto the horror of my bowels with the sound of a dirty brown explosion in the next room followed shortly thereafter by a withering groan. I knew I was already fucked, I had completely blasted radioactive cappuccino all over the porcelain recepticle and probably damaged the soul of the room forever. As I started to wipe myself off I quickly realized that I was not dealing with a normal movement. Wipe after wipe after wipe and still dirty paper I was starting to think that there was still a huge shit hanging out of my ass that was only very slowly being eroded by my wipes. At about the time my asshole started to bleed the wiping finally ended. Well, a clogged toiled and a look from her mom that I will never forget for the rest of my days later I was out of that situation far worse than I started out. But this first experience in no way could have prepared me for the horrors that we’re to come.

My current friends may find it hard to believe (especially after Valentine’s Day 2003) that I used to try and not let chicks hear the tremendous gas-blast of morning after dumps. When I was a strapping young BUD/s student I actually had a hell of a time keeping myself together. I mean, maybe I was starting with a loaded deck. I had already put my body through years of habitual binge drinking in an effort to either kill myself (Leaving Las Vegas style) or to pickle the pain of consciousness out of my brain permanent. It seemed like every time I blasted down a few drinks I blasted out some fiery liquid squirts the next morning. And when you go out with the boys eating roadkill tacos and dogshit greasy burgers it created just the toxic brew to really leave you scramblin for the porcelain. I was going out with a nice girl at the time, very fun, smart, cool to hang out with but we had only just started dating. You know, like you still don’t want her to thing you have bowels and guts and intestinal chunks that are all beer-soaked and brown. I remember I would wait until she would go running in the mornings, force myself to keep my guts puckered in, and then privately and discreetly explode. I would lay there and pretend to be asleep and she would say “boy, your stomache really gurgles a lot in the morning, are you hungry?” and I would just bite my lip and lay there like a bloating corpse. Usually you can get away with a good shit if the bathroom is located a good distance from the bedroom, but beware the horrors of the early morning echoes that haunt every quiet home. Lucky for me this girl’s bathroom was right fucking next to her bedroom, I mean right fucking there! There was no hope of a clean getaway in this situation, I was totally fucked. On the mornings when I just could not fucking hold my pucker for another second I would go into her clean and organized little bathroom and go through every option in the book. But there is only so much a guy can do, only so many possibilities that a mind can go through.

Turn on the sink.. dude, come on! That’s like the oldest trick in the book. You think to yourself like you are all original and shit “hmmm, if I just turn on that sink then it will disguise the sound of my poop noises.” Yeah right, even my fucking mom knows that stupid trick and it just doesn’t work. You’re not fooling anyone you jackass! That girl is out there listening to the sink turn on and rolling her eyes at your lame-ass attempt!

Turn on the shower.. no! I’ve tried every combination of, sink, shower, flushing while shitting and coughing at the same time and I am here to tell you that NONE OF THEM WORKS! I was totally fucked here. I mean her room was right fucking there, every pindrop in that bathroom was completely audible in that bedroom. Spatially speaking her mouth was no more than 10 feet away from my sputtering butt hole. Wait a minute, I mean hear ear.. oh nevermind.

I imagined her laying there in bed, slowly putting the facts of my gurgling stomach and the noises that are coming out of the bathroom together in horror while cringing under the blankets as the fucking cat starts to puke because of the smell.

I even dared use an empty toilet paper tube as conduit to somehow pump the bilge directly under the water but it just ended up a frothy disaster.

I was in a real pickle. The funny thing about it is that without this nice girl with her bathroom so super close to the bedroom I would have never been inspired to come up with the genious invention that is “Sneak -a- Cheek”

To perform Sneak -a- Cheek I only needed a few key items.

1. A wad of toilet paper

2. A serious shit that was ready to blow

3. A toilet

and

4. My mitts

To perform Sneak a Cheek you only have to follow these 4 simple steps.

1. grab the TP in your hand

2. Hold open your buttcrack with your free hand while you place the TP wad right next to your bung.

**NOTE** you are not trying to plug your ass, you are simple trying to muffle it. Hold it just off to the side and vary your pressure with the ferocity of the blast.

3. Plop out your dump with patented “Sneak -a- Cheek” (TM) paper in position

and

4. Drop the paper into the toilet

Use the saying, “GRAB, HOLD, PLOP, and DROP” as a handy reminder.

Now you too can take silent and full power shits in the presence of loved ones. Another handy trick is to just jump in the shower afterwards so as to greatly decrease the possibility of using too much TP and getting a clog.

Happy motoring and thanks again Sneak -a- Cheek

“Thanks Sneak -a- Cheek!!”